Overcoming the Overwhelming
by MajorArcana2
Summary: Events and incidents of long ago left Clary Fray bitterly broken. She made new friends, remembered the old. Made new enemies, forgot the rest. Learned new secrets, protected the ones she already knew. But memories return, and she'll never forget how much they sting. Especially when all her memories return, accompanied by Jace and the rest of the Lightwoods.
1. Memories Made

Memories sting.

 _He was my only friend. I was bullied all through elementary school; the kids would smother me in lunch condiments, call my name only to laugh when I responded, make up rumors that weren't true. But it all stopped when he became my guardian._

 _Jace was popular. He had a thousand friends, more talent than anyone in the school combined, and the most gorgeous looks that one could wish for. The girls wanted to be his girlfriend, the guys wanted to be his best friend. But he chose me._

 _With a simple "hello," the bullying was over. Gone. Truly and completely vanished. Because he was there. Jace and his siblings, Alec and Izzy, took me in simply because there was no one else, or because I was pathetic, I wouldn't know. All I know is that he was mine._

 _All through middle school, Jace was my best friend. And because of that, I didn't need any more friends. I didn't need anyone to protect me. I had me and I had him and that was all there was. It was unexplainable, unimaginable, safety. Joy. Comfort. Simplicity. Love._

 _Neither of us really started to have feelings for each other until freshmen year of high school. And that was all right. We were both afraid that making our relationship something more would be risky, that we might lose the friendship. So we put it off. But our feelings simply couldn't be bothered._

 _He would call me "his girl," "mine," or "baby." It didn't matter what he called me. It mattered how he looked at me. How he talked to me. How he talked of me. How he touched me. Jace was…Jace._

 _Until Halloween._

 _I was dressed as Cinderella. Nearly the whole school was packed into the Lightwood's house. People were jumping off railings, flying from chandeliers, dumping cups of God knows what over other people's heads. It wasn't my scene. But because Jace was there, I let it be._

 _I was sitting in a corner holding a cup of something I would never, ever drink when I blinding flash of light silenced the heaving crowd. Nobody moved. Then multiple crashes sounded at the same time and the party erupted into chaos. Suddenly I was being grabbed by the arm and hauled up countless flights of stairs._

 _I could tell by the frightfully tight grip of his hands that Jace was the one leading me, so I followed him without hesitation. Jace led me up to the roof where I turned to stare at him expectantly._

 _"What's happening?" I shrieked._

 _Jace shook his head. He didn't know. But I knew him. I knew that he did know. And he did. Jace took my hand, gentler this time, and took me over to the side of the roof. Below, the crowd was teeming. I stepped back immediately, terrified._

 _"Come on," Jace said, coaxing me back towards the edge. "You have to jump, Clary," he told me quietly._

 _"No," I whispered and the tears spilled over, running down my face. "No, I don't want to. I'm scared."_

 _"You'll be fine."_

 _"But what about you?" I protested, and I could see something in his eyes._

 _"If you survive the fall, fantastic. If not, sucks for you." His words hit me like a very, very sharp knife._

 _"What?!" I screeched. I didn't comprehend what he was telling me. I couldn't._

 _"I don't care if you live or die, Clary. Nobody does. In fact, most people have wanted you to just "disappear" the moment you were born. Nobody cares about you, Clarissa. Not even me. I do not care about you. Now jump," Jace didn't give me a chance to say something back to him. He pushed me forward, giving me no chance other then to spring upward and then fall. The ground's impact left me with painful bruises, temporary fractures, and permanent scars, of the emotional, mental, and physical kind._

 _I was knocked unconscious. The only thing I found when I woke was an empty yard, a burnt down mansion, and a note._

 _The note basically told me every terrible thing about myself. I was close to sobbing by the time I finished reading it. But still, I went on. And what I found at the bottom…_

 _"All my love, Jace."_

 _That was the last day I ever saw him. I told myself it would be the last say I ever thought of him, too, of how much I loved him. How I missed him. How I wished it was all fake._

 _But it wasn't. And I still have the scars to prove it._


	2. Memories Return

"She jumped off a building?"

Simon gasped as Maia read the news story off the internet. She glanced up only to glare at him for interrupting. He shrugged, but then he turned his attention directly to me. Simon was the only one I ever told about my accident. So of course, when the story pooped up, he was there, feeling my sensitivity and PTSD boiling before even I did.

What would this world do without Simon Lewis?

I nodded minutely to say that I was fine, and Simon caught it. The last thing I needed was for Simon to fuss over me. Most of the time, I hated it. Only because there was just one person who was allowed to...

Maia continued with her recitation of the article. "As I was _saying_ , 'The fourteen-year-old Chelsie Franc threw herself off a building after a tragic break up with her long-term boyfriend,'" _Wow, universe,_ I thought to myself, _subtle._ "At the time, Chelsie is stable, but in critical condition. The boyfriend refuses to release his personal information. We will be releasing another update by the hour.'"

"Crazy, right?" Maia gaped dramatically. Simon and I knew Maia had gone through a tragic breakup of her own at the age of fourteen. She still hadn't gotten over the guy. It made me feel terrible that Maia was willing to share her life with me, but I couldn't share mine with her. Only Simon.

But even Simon didn't know my biggest secret. For if that came out, his life would be in danger. I wasn't willing to do that to anyone.

The bell rang and Simon, Maia, and I were forced to trudge along to our next class. This one we shared. Routinely, all three of us plopped into seats at a lab table. I sat closest to the wall, across from Simon, next to Maia. Usually, the last seat was left open.

We chatted nonchalantly as the rest of the class filed in. When everyone was finally seated, a hush fell over the class as the teacher, Mr. Starkweather, held up his hand to quiet us. Beside him was a boy.

He looked about seventeen, a year older than me. He had dusty-colored hair and dark eyes. Tattoos were printed on his arm, he wore dark clothing. But what caught my attention was, however, was how depressed the boy looked. He had dark circles under his eyes, he didn't meet anyone's eye, and his limbs hung limply at his sides. He was undeniably the saddest person I had ever seen (not including myself in a mirror).

His sadness didn't hold my attention for long, however, as someone let out a shrill whimper close to me. It took a moment for me to realize it was Maia. I looked to her, concerned.

Maia's eyes were glued to the boy. Her lips were pressed into a thin line. She had never looked so mad. But underneath it, I could see terror. My heart pounded.

"You can sit there, son," Mr. Starkweather had finished introducing Sad-boy, and he was now pointing to the empty spot at my lab table. Oh, no. Sad-boy started making his way to our table, his eyes still on the floor. He seemed to be trying to figure something out, but he was very confused. Sluggishly, he plopped into his chair.

" _You_ ," Maia hissed. The word seemed to escape her mouth before she could stop it. Maia's eyes flashed vibrant green and she appeared in pain, as though she were trying to hold something back. Finally, Sad-boy looked up to her.

When their eyes met, he froze. Sad-boy was suddenly _very_ awake. His jaw dropped open.

"Do _not_ follow me," Maia whisper-shouted before hurriedly making her way out of the room. She looked feeble, on the edge of destruction. The class watched in confusion, but let it go then Mr. Starkweather began his lecture.

I wanted to follow Maia, but part of me figured her order was directed to all of us.

"Uh, sorry man," Simon said nervously to Sad-boy. "What's your name?"

The kid had been staring out the door after Maia, but after a couple of moments he snapped to attention.

"Umm...Jordan," he admitted. "Jordan Kyle."

 **0.o.O.o.0**

Simon had to physically restrain me from clawing out Jordan's eyes. Long story short, I ended up slumped in a chair waiting to see the principal. I was furious. How dare he show up here? He couldn't just waltz into someone's life that he ruined? Not okay. Maia would be needing some serious ice cream.

Just as soon as I got out of the detention I was sure to be promised.

The door opened and a few people stepped in. I didn't even look up, for fear it was the principal, or worse, Jordan. I was aware that they were mumbling to the receptionist. I only caught a few words, "new here," "classes," and "paperwork."

Ahh. More new kids. Excellent.

Suddenly, the whispering got louder. "Iz, look," it was a male's voice. I knew that voice...

"I _told_ you she'd be here!" I knew that voice too; I got the sinking feeling I was being talked about.

"No, that's not her. I'd know."

And that was it. Against _literally every will, cell, and desire in my body,_ I looked up.

I was met with the unthinkable.

 **0.o.O.o.0**

I stared at Alec. He stared back.

I looked to Izzy. She stared back.

Finally, reluctantly, I shifted my eyes to Jace.

His expression was calculating, unsure, reluctant. Guilty. But it was him. They were all here, standing in front of her. Real.

A normal, righteous, willful girl (like Isabelle) would have said something witty. She would have said something to make her seem untouchable, then she would walk straight out of there and be _fire._

Instead, I came up with...

"Oh, _h*ll_ no," I stood up, not sure how to deal with this situation. The parts of my body that had been injured in the fall were burning or aching. My breathing was heavy and short, a minor PTSD attack, I guessed.

"Language, Miss Fray!" the receptionist snapped. Th reminder that there were other people in the room set me off. "Fray...?" Jace muttered disbelievingly. He gaped at her. And this time he was sure.

I broke. I clapped a hand to my chest and broke eye contact. Okay, major PTSD attack. I was having trouble breathing. I needed to be out of there. I was afraid my legs wouldn't hold me.

I summoned all the strength in my body and pushed myself toward the door. I stared only at my destination. I distinctly felt Izzy's fingers brushing against my wrist. In instinctual response, I yanked my arm up to my head. I regretted it instantly. Izzy hadn't really done anything.

Except abandon me.

And still be able to stand Jace's presence.

Yeah...she deserved that.

Unbelievably, I made it out the door without interference. Now, just to make it to my house. I could see the doors of the school. I was so close-

Harsh fingers gripped my wrist. I was violently whipped around to face Jace. I tried desperately to pull my hand from his grip. But it was no use. Of course it wasn't. I had to give up, or my wrist would break. I let myself stare at a place on the wall behind Jace.

"Clary, I need to talk to you. You need to let me explain," He begged.

I scoffed. Loudly. How was I supposed to be there was something he could say that would make everything okay.

"Clary," he murmured. "Clary look at me."

I surrendered and met his eye. Immediately I melted. His amber eyes seemed to pierce me through the heart. He was winning me back just by looking at me. Maybe-

And then I had a memory. A memory of those same eyes looking at me as the owner of the eyes tried to persuade me to jump off a building. They were filled with the exact same terrified desperation now. But then, that night, they had changed to a cold, disconnected hatred. And that's what I remembered. And that made me hurt.

"You pushed me off a _building,_ Jace!" I screeched. Jace winced, and let his eyes fall to the ground. But his grip stayed tight. "What could you possible say to me?"

After Jace said nothing to defend himself, the silence grew to much. "Let go of me, Jace," I demanded. He didn't loosen his grip, but when I pulled away, he let me go. I turned to leave.

"Not so fast, Miss Fray," So close. I turned to look at my principal, Mr. Aldertree. What a butthead. "I'm afraid your two outbursts today have earned you detention. And you, Mr..."

Jace answered without turning around or taking his eyes off the floor. "Herondale."

"Yes, Mr. Herondale. I understand you're new here, but I leave no room for wiggling. Being in the hallway during classes without a pass is not allowed! You'll have detention too. Every day until next Friday! Now hurry along to class."

I had been planning to leave, but not wanting to acquire more detention with the Herondale Devil, I decided returning to class would be the easiest option. I'd be to emotionally exhausted to fight Jordan anyway. But even as I began to walk away, Jace took my wrist again.

Unwilling to hurt myself, I let myself be turned. Jace started mumbling words but something else had caught my attention. I looked to where Jace had my wrist clenched in his hand and my eyes widened fractionally.

Jace stopped murmuring explanations when my hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. He was confused, but didn't stop me when I slowly lifted his sleeve to see the swirling black design underneath.

I sucked in a mighty breath.

What I saw was a rune.


	3. Memories Alter

I fell back heavily against my bedroom door as soon as it was shut. Luckily, I hadn't been given the curse of dealing with my mother in my current state, as she was on a vacation with Luke. If I'd had to explain to her why I was all fallen apart, I'd only walk myself off a cliff.

And I was all fallen apart.

Jace was back. Izzy was back. Alec was back. _Jace was back._ The one person who I'd only wanted the affection of, and only managed to earn his hatred. The one person who had enough of me to break my heart. The one person who took that chance.

And on top of that?

He was Nephilim. Human-Angel hybrid. Defenders of the human race. Protectors of Earth itself. Conquerors, hunters, and killers of demons. He was a Shadowhunter.

And I was too.

 **0.o.O.o.0**

 _I'd dug myself a hole._

 _It had been two months since my personal tragedy. I'd cut myself off from all social interaction. Practically all connection with the outside world had been snapped._

 _That's exactly why I had no idea the Herondales had left town. As did the Lightwoods. Completely vanished. This only managed to dig me deeper into my own hole._

 _I told Jocelyn I was sick. Told her all my time in the hospital-after my unfortunate "fall"-had given me some bug. She had trouble believing it, but she wasn't about to push me. My mother tended to handle me like a million-dollar ruby necklace._

 _A knock sounded at the front door. I perked up. A visitor? My heart wandered, straying from the bounds I'd forcefully set. I shoved it back into place. I slowly dragged myself from my cocoon of pillows and blankets, dumped a few empty tubs of ice cream into the trash, and quieted the re-run episode of "Gilmore Girls."_

 _I opened the door and was greeted with—_ _ **sparkles.**_ _Like, seriously. The man at the doorway stood in a tuxedo entirely coated in dark green glitter. He had a black undershirt, belt, and fedora hat on. I was forced to physically back away a half-step and blink my eyes a few times to adjust to the way the light bounced off of all the colors. He looked like a frea*ing leprechaun._

 _"Hi! Can I come in? Thanks so much, biscuit," the man announced, and pushed his way past me into my house._

 _I shut the door behind him, confused, but unwilling to put up a protest. The man turned around and scrunched up his nose. "It smells. Have you showered recently? And why is it so dark? Lord, the things I could do to this place," he mumbled, only half to himself._

 _"Umm, excuse me," I snapped. My voice sounded rough. It took me a moment to realize it was because I hadn't talked in over 12 hours straight. "But who are you?"_

 _He twirled around to face me. "I'm Magnus Bane," he announced. Magnus then proceeded to wink at me, while simultaneously tossing a handful of sequins up into the air. I watched them fall sadly to the ground as an awkward silence ensued._

 _"I'm afraid I have a few things you need to know, Clarissa Fairchild."_

 **0.o.O.o.0**

And that was how I'd found out everything about me. I was a Shadowhunter, daughter of Jocelyn Fairchild and Valentine Morgenstern, the most dangerous Shadowhunter alive. I learned about Shadowhunters, runes, the Mortal Instruments. I learned about downworlders: Warlocks, Night Children, Lycanthropes, and the Fair Folk.

My mother hadn't bothered to tell me these things herself, so Magnus assumed there would be a reason. That's why he insisted I not confront her, or even let her know that I knew who I was. So Magnus—along with Simon and Maia—became the only person I could trust. Magnus was set apart because of his being of the Shadow world.

Magnus provided everything for me. He gave me a stele, a copy of the Shadowhunter Codex, the Gray Book, and he even trained me to become a Shadowhunter. Ever since then I'd been on demon hunts, missions, and rescues. But only as a rogue Shadowhunter.

Magnus explained that the Clave wasn't willing to let their information loose often, so he wasn't aware of where other Shadowhunters could be found. He didn't know the locations of the Institutes, and he didn't know any specific Shadowhunters. So I operated on my own.

And I didn't mind it one bit.

But now, as I collapsed onto my floor, I couldn't keep it straight. I wondered if Izzy was a Shadowhunter, if Alec was. I needed answers. So that's why I decided that the next day, at school, I would get them.

 **0.o.O.o.0**

I had gone immediately back to class after my 100% unwanted interaction with the Herondale Devil. He hadn't questioned my seeing the rune; he most likely assumed that…I actually have no idea what Jace assumed. But he didn't mention it or try to stop it. I didn't see him or any other Lightwoods for the rest of the day.

 _Crap._

I'd completely forgotten the detention I'd been supposed to attend with Ja—Herondale Devil. I realized belatedly that this would—most likely—only cause more cursed time with… _him._

I hadn't gotten one hint of sleep that night. So I simply lied awake in a cold sweat. I couldn't decide if I was trying to figure out how to get information out of Jace, or if I was trying to talk myself into even trying. In the end, I guess it turned out to be both.

After I had dressed in dark-blue skinny jeans and a white Henley shirt, I inspected myself in the mirror. The result wasn't pretty. Rather, _I_ wasn't pretty. I brushed on the lightest layer of makeup I could while still managing to look at least half normal, then I was out the door.

One hour later, I was sitting in homeroom next to Maia. I hadn't uttered a word to her all period. She was kind enough not to push, obviously sensing something wrong, but I also felt she was reluctant to speak herself.

I felt terrible for not being there for her after her recent, but unpleasant, reunion with her own wretched ex, but I was afraid I'd only say something worse. So I kept quiet and we both sat in our own silent trenches of misery.

A mild but class-wide reaction pulled me from my sleepless haze. The teacher stood at the front of the classroom, framed on either side by Jace, Alec, and Izzy. The teacher, Mrs. Branwell, looked about ready to introduce the "new kids." My guess? Everyone remembered those three. But they wouldn't say anything, of course. This would just be bringing up bad memories that the whole town had spent months burying.

Jace's eyes were locked on mine. He looked like he was in physical pain. Pure misery. But there was just a trace of something. Something I'd seen before…

…

…

Oh, no.

Jace was about to do something very bad. I knew it. I knew it because it was the same look he'd given me before I fell so many feet to earth. Seeing that hint in his eyes, that told me something I'd never even known before.

That night, when I fell, I wasn't just falling off a building. I was falling from Cloud 9.

And it's quite hard to climb clouds.

I sunk deeper into my chair and lowered my gaze. I didn't have to see Jace to know the devious smile that darkened his face was ever present.

"Okay, class! Quiet down!" Mrs. Branwell cooed. But we were already silent.  
"I'd like you to meet the Lightwoods." _And Jace,_ I added mentally, but the words didn't come from my teacher's mouth. Huh, interesting…

"Meet Jonathan, Alec, and Isabelle." My interest peaked when she called him Jonathan, but I only looked up in time to see him whisper a correction in her ear. "Sorry, Jace." I rolled my eyes.

While Isabelle was obviously dressed to impress, and even Alec had tried on a blue sweater-straying from his normal black-Jace was dressed in full on Shadowhunter gear. Bold.

"Because these students are new here, they'll each be paired up with one of you for the continuation of the year. You'll go to the same classes, show them around, be there whenever they need something. I've paired you based on whom I think you'll enjoy. But, guys," she looked to "the Lightwoods." "If you'd like to be paired with someone else, just tell me and I'll make it happen."

I didn't even hope not to be paired with one of them. I knew exactly what was going to happen.

"Okay, Alec, you're with Magnus." Alec awkwardly made his way over to Magnus and sat beside him. Magnus instantly started chatting. I knew Magnus well enough to know he was flirting. (Yes, Magnus was a warlock, but he'd gotten into as a sophomore at my school to watch over me.)

"Isabelle, you can be with Clary." Hope fluttered in my chest but I shoved it down. Knowing Jace, _that_ pairing would not last long. "Jace, with Simon." I nearly snorted. Mrs. Branwell thought Jace would like _Simon?_

I watched as Izzy grabbed Jace by the collar and pulled him centimeters from her nose. I saw a twinge of fear flash in his eyes before he covered it in a brave façade. Izzy muttered something I couldn't perceive, then her smile turned deathly sweet and she walked away, planting herself in the seat next to Simon.

I refused to let my eyes waver from Jace's as he walked over, glared at Maia, and sat down once she had left after muttering a quick insult to him and an apology to me.

"Hey, partner!" Jace said, his cheerfulness empty. "Izzy thinks Simon is cute. And I think he's annoying."

"I figured," I said blankly before heaving a sigh. "I always roughly grab my brother by his shirt collar and appear to be threatening him when I'm telling him I think a guy is cute."

For a moment, Jace was silent. Then, he summoned up a feeble defense, "You don't have a brother."

 **0.o.O.o.0**

I took a deep breath before I walked into detention. I would be facing the person I possible loved and hated most in the world. And I'd have to confront him, about being a human-angel hybrid. Terrific.

When I walked in, however, everything got five times worse.

Not only were Jace, Izzy, and Alec sitting in desks in the detention room, but Jordan was as well.

I nearly cried. But instead, being a "big girl," I simply plopped down in the middle of the room, far from Jordan in one corner, and the "Lightwoods" in the other. Lucky for me, Jace, Izzy, and Alec were suddenly in the surrounding desks.

I closed my eyes and sighed deeply. Then I prepared for what came next.

"So, Clary, tell me: how's life been while I've been gone?" Izzy chirped. Funny. I was expecting a less kind interrogation.

"Yeah, I'd like to know. Dated anyone while I've been gone, Clary?" Subtle, Jace.

"Is Magnus single?" Alec demanded.

I turned to Alec. "Now there's a question I'm actually happy to answer," I told him. Malec forever, am I right? "Magnus is _quite_ single, actually." Alec tried to hide his smile. I think I already liked him the most.

"Come on, don't leave me hanging, Fray," Jace cawed over my shoulder.

"Fair—," I began, and then stopped immediately when I realized what I'd been about to do.

Alec's eyebrows knitted together in suspicion. "Fair—what, Clary?"

Suddenly done with hiding a secret I didn't want to hide, I swiveled around in my seat. First, I grabbed Izzy's wrist. She began to protest in confusion, but stopped when I yanked her sleeve up, revealing the rune underneath. "Check," I confirmed.

Then Alec. "Check."

Finally, Jace. "Check!"

The three of them shared a glance. And then…

"YOU CAN SEE THIS?" Izzy shouted.

"Clary, explain!" Alec yelled.

"What. The. H*ll. Clary," Jace said. He was in scary-calm mode.

Just then, a voice sounded from the other side of the room. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. You guys are Shadowhunters?" Jordan asked, surprised.

I plopped my head into my hands but only for a moment. I glared at Jordan. "And you're the sucky, abusive ex that broke my best friend." Then I looked to Jace. "I can't decide which one of you is worse. Maybe you should fight each other to the death. Then, I wont have to deal with at least one of you."

"Jace would win," Izzy chimed in. She perked a quick, flirty grin. "You know that as well as I do, Clary."

Jace made an unidentifiable grunt. "Well, things do change a bit when you count in the fact that 'sucky, abusive ex' here is a werewolf," he explained triumphantly.

I stared at Jordan. "Wait," I said quietly, disbelief heavy in my tone. It wasn't that I didn't believe Jordan wasn't a werewolf. That actually made a multitude of sense. "But this means…Maia?" I asked weakly.

Jordan looked away, looking ashamed of himself.

"Why isn't anyone in my life normal?" I shrieked. "By the Angel…"

So quiet I almost didn't hear it, Alec muttered, "Simon is _quite_ mundane, actually." I ignored him excellently.

"Would you look at that? She even knows our terms," Jace said obnoxiously. Then he got all seriousness. "Listen, Clary. We need to have a very thorough, very _long_ discussion. Starting with just how you can see these runes."

"I don't know what runes are, but you certainly won't be discussing them in this class," Mr. Verlac said as he walked into the room. "Detention is a silent period."

 **AAAHHH. So, it's been quite a while. Apologies! But I hope you enjoy this chapter, I certainly loved writing it. I made it nice and long for you, 2,306 words, to be exact. Tell me whatcha think!**

 **\- MajorArcana2**


	4. Memories Know

The second Mr. Verlac announced that the five of us were free to go, I was already halfway to the exit of the building. I didn't want to explain my whole life story to Jace. I didn't want to confront the fact that Maia had been lying to me, and that I had been lying to her too. I didn't want to hang out with the Lightwoods or Jace and I didn't want them to be here at all.

Unfortunately for me, what I wanted never seemed to be something I could have.

I turned back to see how much faster I needed to walk to avoid unwanted interaction with Jace, only to find he wasn't behind me at all. Izzy and Alec appeared to be discussing something only partially serious and Jordan walked with his eyes to the floor. But Jace was nowhere to be found.

I turned around with relief, only to be greeted by none other then Jace Herondale standing a few feet away, looking triumphant.

It wasn't the kind of thing that wouldn't normally solicit a small shriek or a jump reaction. But this was someone that I knew was capable of…worse things. It's in this sense that I let out a rather large gasp and lost my balance, falling entirely back onto the floor.

I laid there for a few moments while a regained a normal heartbeat, and then I slowly gathered myself into a sitting position and faced the others. Isabelle was bent over, bracing herself with her hands on her knees, laughing so hard that tears were crowning the corners of her eyes. Alec was trying to subtly get Izzy to stop laughing, as he was able to recognize this was strictly a non-humorous situation. Jace was standing above me, arm outstretched for me to use to get up.

I blatantly ignored Jace's offer to help and stood on my own. It was awkward for a moment. Alec had managed to quiet Izzy, and now we all stood staring at each other in silence. Of course, Izzy was the one to break that silence.

"Clary! I have some things I want to ask you," she announced, taking me by the elbow and walking up toward the end of the hall, leaving Jace and Alec to follow at a distance.

I didn't particularly feel like answering any of Izzy's questions, but I was willing to at least be grateful that it wasn't Jace who'd requested this of me.

"Okay, first things first. You're still in love with Jace, right?" I was appalled by the question. I knew Jace was too far away to hear, but still. I stopped mid-step and glared at her, shocked. "What?" Izzy asked innocently.

"No, Izzy, I'm not!" I snapped. As I considered this, I realized I wasn't lying. Not even a little bit. There were certain parts of Jace that I loved, yes, but the parts of him that were cruel, hurtful, and terrible drastically overruled those good parts.

Izzy made a face. "I hate to ask you this, but…are you _sure?_ " she asked. "Because if you're not then that might just ruin my plan, and-,"

I cut her off. "I, Clarissa Adele Fray, do solemnly swear that I am no longer in love with Jonathan Christopher Herondale."

Izzy pouted, but I ignored her and kept walking. "Fine. Question number two, do you think you could ever learn to love him again?" Isabelle asked hopefully.

I considered the question. "Judging by my most recent memories of Herondale here, that would be a no," I answered promptly. Although, I wasn't so sure of my honesty in this one.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to fix that. Okay, last question. How angry are you about that bad thing that happened a _long, long_ time ago?"

"Did you seriously just ask me that question?" I demanded forcefully. Izzy looked a little reproachful, but I knew she still wanted an answer. "Well, it depends Izzy. How angry would _you_ be if the person _you_ loved-,"

"So you do love him?" Izzy interrupted with just a little too much excitement for the current topic. She quieted when I didn't answer her, obviously sensing her misstep.

"As I was saying-,"

"You didn't deny it," Iz persisted. Finally, I pinned her with a glare that rivaled her own, and she silenced, hopefully long enough for me to finish my sentence.

"How long would it take you to be okay if the person you loved pushed you off a building after telling you just how little you meant to him?" I finished.

This time, it was Izzy who stopped walking in pure, utter shock. "Jace did _what?_ "

"Come on, Iz. Are you really going to make me relive it?" I asked, dreading what was to come.

"No, seriously. You're kidding, right? Jace would _never_ …would he?" Isabelle was obviously having trouble grasping this concept.

I tilted my head in confusion. "He never told you what happened?" I asked. When you thought about it, I wouldn't put it past Jace to keep something like this a secret. I mean, who would want to tell their family they had nearly killed someone?

"Excuse me for a moment," Izzy said. Then she stalked over to Jace and slapped him across the face, _hard._ Izzy then proceeded to take Jace roughly by the collar, push him up against the wall, and start screaming severely in his face. Jace looked _terrified._ Alec rushed over and tried to pull Izzy off of Jace.

I used the time when all of them were too preoccupied to run down the hall away from the three of them. I could hear Izzy still screaming profanities at Jace from the end of the hall.

 **0.o.O.o.0**

I was thoroughly enjoying some time by myself in my house before I had to give it up, as Luke and my mother would be returning from their vacation in…twenty minutes. They'd been visiting some "extended family" of Luke's in Massachusetts. Knowing what I knew, I was tempted to believe this wasn't the case.

One of the things Magnus had told me was that Luke was a werewolf. In fact, he was quite influential, as the biggest New York Pack's leader. I made a mental note to consult him about Jordan once he arrived.

But for now, I was enjoying myself immensely. I was sprawled on the couch watching Battle Bots, munching on a freshly opened bag of pretzel goldfish, Simon at my side. I had also done a very nice job of preventing any Jace-related thoughts to bounce around in my mind. Unfortunately (I seem to be using this word a lot, don't I? Says quite a bit about my life events recently…), that isn't what the universe had in store. But would it really ever be?

The front door opened and I was aware of footsteps rapidly approaching from behind. I didn't have time to turn around before my mother's arms were almost violently thrown around my neck, embracing me so tightly that I nearly choked. My mother squealed with delight and continued to hug me for a good six minutes while Luke carried in the entirety of their luggage before finally releasing me.

"How have you been?" she squeaked.

"Fantastic," I quipped in return. She promptly ignored my snide remark and insisted on grilling me about my activities over the past two weeks. I only mentioned Jace and the Lightwoods once, toward the end when—

"Oh! That reminds me! The Lightwoods have invited us to a party. A little get-together just to celebrate the return of long time friends," my mother explained.

I perked up at this. The Lightwoods, I could handle. Jace was a traumatizing, sneaky, heartbreaker of a person but the Lightwoods… "Does this mean that Jace won't be there?" I asked, maybe just a bit too hopefully. But after all, Jace _was_ a Herondale. I was stretching it, but maybe, just maybe, I would be spared.

"Oh, don't worry, sweetie. Jace will be there. He returned to New York with the Lightwoods, not his own family. Apparently, his parents weren't planning on returning, but Jace just had to get back here," she winked at me as she said this, causing my stomach to twirl in a very bad way. "For all intense and purposes, Jace is a Lightwood to me now. He spends over half his life with them. Besides, don't you think it's more fitting?" My mother giggled gleefully while I wished a black hole would suddenly appear in my kitchen.

"Does that make me a Fray?" Simon joked, and everyone laughed, but not me. I couldn't get my mind off Jace. This time because of his awkward return. Here with the Lightwoods? My mother had said he'd just _had_ to get back here. Yes, maybe he was homesick or had some kind of future planned out here. But what if Jace's reason for coming home was me?

It pained me to think this of Jace, but part of me wondered if he had been meaning to kill me that night on the roof, and since I'd lived, he was back to finish the job. It wasn't possible, was it? But I couldn't put anything past Jace…Lightwood. Not anymore.

"Anyway, Clary," it took me a moment to realize they'd basically finished a humorous conversation entirely around me. "Luke and I won't be able to make it because we're both exhausted. You'd be surprised how much a trip can take out of you," my mother's voice turned stony and firm. A force to be reckoned with. "But I expect you to go and I expect you to make a good impression. Understand?"

All I gave was a faint nod doubling as acknowledgement of her words and confirmation to her question. Then I turned to Simon. " _Please,_ Simon! Come with me!" I pleaded. Simon knew what I had been through. I could count on him to be there for me. But even then, Simon's lips turned down at the corners and he began to shake his head.

"I have dinner with my family tonight," he explained apologetically.

"No, Simon, you should go!" my mother insisted. For the first time since she'd arrived, I was genuinely happy she was home. "It would be an excellent chance for you to meet new people."

I highly doubted any one of the Lightwoods would like to meet, and then further befriend Simon, but I wasn't about to say this to him.

"But- the dinner!" Simon wailed childishly in a last attempt to get himself out. I nailed him with a look that communicated my thoughts: _If I'm stuck in this, you are, too._

"Don't worry, Simon. I'll take care of it," Luke supplied, winking at Simon, who paled momentarily before promptly turned a queasy shade of green.

I dragged Simon up the stairs and let him plop on my head while I fished for something suitable to change into. I wasn't about to get dressed up for Jace or any of the other Lightwoods, so I simply changed into black skinny-jeans and a baby pink, swishy lace top. I slipped into matching black ballet flats.

Simon and I managed to slip out unnoticed, avoiding unwanted motherly harassment, just in time for the party.

We arrived ten minutes later at a Goliath of a house. That's when I realized it wasn't a house. It was the New York Institute.

I don't know what told me this, perhaps simply a sense that drifted off the massive building in waves. But it was gorgeous. Home to all Shadowhunters, even me. Nice to know I was living only minutes from a safe house I could take refuge in at any time.

But a safe house wasn't very safe if Jace was living in it.

I braced myself by taking a deep, shaky breath as I strolled up the walkway, Simon basically tethered at my side.

"You knock," I said to Simon as we stopped at the front door. You couldn't even tell any kind of celebration was going on outside. The building was foreboding and silent.

"What? No! They're your lifelong enemies!" Simon retorted. "You knock!"

Exasperated, I gestured at the door. "Just knock, Simon," when he didn't move, I added on forcefully, " _Knock!_ "

"Knock, knock. Who's there?" Came a voice from the now open door. I whirled around to find Jace leaning on the doorjamb. He too, had changed since school, and was now wearing dark jeans and a navy crewneck sweater. His rebellious blond hair dipped as far as halfway into his eyes. My heart pounded in my chest. I didn't handle jump scares too well since the roof. "That's when you say something clever and funny."

Simon's eyes lit up. "Boo!" he shouted, hoping for Jace to play along.

Jace cut his eyes to Simon, from where they had been deviously roaming my face. "Bad news, mundane, you're not clever _or_ funny," Jace snapped.

Jace then turned and walked inside, leaving the door open for us to follow. I sighed and rolled my eyes before I walked inside, Simon following me. "Mundane? I don't understand…" Simon murmured helplessly.

 **0.o.O.o.0**

"Clary!" I heard Isabelle's hiss and turned around only to see her barrel into me. She then forced me forward, into an abandoned room. I only just had time to clutch Simon's wrist and drag him in with me before Isabelle slammed the door.

"Well, I was going to be civil and at least say hello to Robert and Maryse but if this was what you had in mind, then okay," I grumbled as I forced to sit on a couch against one wall.

I surveyed to room. Alec, Jace, and Izzy were sitting on once couch. Simon had quickly seated himself next to me. And the last person-

My heart picked up immediately. Magnus was sitting in a chair in the corner. We caught each other's gaze at the same moment, and both of us stood instantly. I wasted no time throwing myself into Magnus's arms. Finally, someone safe. "What are you doing here?" I whispered.

"Called in for you, sweet," Magnus answered, and the two of us released each other. I paid no attention to how everyone else in the room confusedly watched our reunion.

"Mind telling us why you brought a Mundie along?" Jace chirped. Right away I knew he was feeling sassy this evening. Luckily, tomorrow was Saturday so I didn't have to worry about Jace's rash torments keeping me from peaceful, needed sleep if I was required to wake up deathly early the next morning. "So you do have a boyfriend?" Though it was barely there, I was able to detect the faintest hint of jealousy in his voice before it was buried in his façade once more.

"He's not my boyfriend," I answered. Though I knew in the past, Simon had felt something more for me, it had dissolved rather quickly when he discovered the skeletons hiding in my closet.

"And what's a mundane?" Simon asked. I was surprised. Some wasn't the confrontational type.

"'Of or relating to the human species; those in this world not possessing of angelic, demonic, lycanthropic or other qualities; those that are protected by the far superior Nephilim race, more commonly known as Shadowhunters; those-,"

"Enough, Jace," Alec snapped, effectively quieting the blonde's factual tirade.

Obviously, I hadn't thought this through. Bringing Simon was a mistake. "Um, Simon, I think you should go. I shouldn't have forced you to come. I'm sorry. I'll call you tomorrow," I said. Simon was reluctant, but he eventually stood to leave. When the door shut, the questions began.

"Are you a Shadowhunter?"

"How much do you know about our world?"

"What's the whole story?"

"When did you find out about all this?"

"Tell. Us. Everything."

I spent the next hour or so explaining to the Lightwoods what I'd discovered after they left. Magnus stepped in every once in a while to claim responsibility for teaching me something especially important. In return, Izzy, Alec, and Jace told me the things Magnus couldn't. I was now a fully informed Shadowhunter. Fully informed, yet nowhere close to fully trained.

"I think you should live here," Jace mumbled, perfectly calm, straight-faced.

"You _what?_ " I shrieked. There was no way I could handle living here with Jace. I'd see him everyday. I'd have to deal with him even more that I usually had to. It wasn't something I thought I could do.

"It's the logical option, Clary. You _are_ a Shadowhunter. You do need proper training. You know it as well as I do, as much as you hate me." _I don't hate you,_ I almost said. But I couldn't be positive it was the truth. Not yet.

"He's right, Clary," Izzy added sympathetically, and Alec nodded in agreement.

"Sorry, biscuit. I know how bad this can get. How hard it's going to be. But you can handle it," Magnus chimed in. I guess I should mention the fact that Magnus knew what had happened. I hadn't told him, he knew on his own. Either way, I fixed all three of them with a glare, each in turn. They were right, and I knew it, but I hated it.

"I'll have a hard time convincing my mother," I warned. "But if I can get her to agree, I'll bring my stuff tomorrow." A collective breath around the room was released. I hadn't known my training meant so much to them.

"Come on," Jace said, standing. "I want to show you something. As everyone stood and followed him out the door, I saw no choice but to go with them. Jace was leading the five of us around corners and pathways until suddenly we were climbing.

The stairs seemed endless. We passed what must have been the fifth flight of stairs when I stopped dead in my tracks. I could see the door. In thick, stenciled letters, four letters stood out in vibrant white.

 **ROOF**

My heartbeat picked up and my vision blurred. I swayed, nausea rising in my stomach. This was all far too familiar for my liking. It took me a moment to realize Jace was in front of me, trying to catch my attention.

"Clary," he said. "Clary." Finally, I was able to focus on him. "Come on, what are you waiting for?"

It was Izzy who got Jace's attention and communicated to him with her eyes. He turned back with full understanding.

"Clary, it'll be fine, I promise," he sensed my distrust. "I won't hurt you."

"I can't," I finally muttered. "I can't do it, not yet."

Jace turned away and rolled his eyes, sighing. Like _I_ was a burden. I was the issue here.

"What?" I snapped, launching into a tirade of my own. "You're annoyed at me? How dare you, Jace? You have no right! I have a right to be afraid! You do _not_ get to judge because I'm scared. Because I'm broken. Because I _just can't._ You don't get to think I am incompetent or childish or 'not good enough' because _You! Broke! Me!_ You lost that chance when you pushed me off a building!"

With that I turned and started running. Down the stairs, away from Jace, away from my past, away from my fears. Down. Away. Down. Away. Gone.

 **I'm just going to say one thing. 3228. That's it. Goodbye.**


	5. Memories Protect

I was already halfway down the dark and silent street when I was caught in headlights. I turned back for half a second to see a black Jeep Commander rounding the corner towards me. **(A/N: Do I have any Noratch – as in Hush, Hush - supporters out there? If you are, you'll notice my reference…; D)** I got a feeling in my stomach, instantly aware that the driver was Jace. I wasn't sure how, but I knew.

I turned back and started walking faster. I'd deal with him on Monday. Meanwhile, I was still shaking from the stairwell incident. My hands shook as I hastily wiped away the remaining tears. My feet shook as the slapped the pavement, one after the other. My body shook, though I was immune to the cold that was quickly enveloping me. My heart even shook.

I found myself wanting to forget this even happened, to forget any of it had ever happened. I wanted to deal with Jace as he was: sarcastic and snippy, without all the hurtful memories. But it was something that could never happen, so why bother wishing for it?

I tensed as the jeep slowed beside me and the window rolled down. "Clarissa," the whisper came, confirming my dreadful suspicion that the car belonged to Jace. "Come on, look at me."

I took a huge breath before planting my feet – and swaying slightly in my shaky less-than-balanced stance – and turning to glare at Jace. I was going to be brave. "Just get in the car," Jace mumbled as though he were still exasperated. "Come on. I'm not in the mood to deal with this."

"Seriously, Jace?" It was only then that I noticed Alec in the passenger seat. I wondered distantly how I hadn't noticed him before. "You're only making it worse."

Jace tensed, his angry gaze briefly turning to his friend – _parabatai_ , I had learned. I thought Jace would snap back at him, but instead, his posture relaxed and he turned back to me. This time, his eyes held apologies.

"I'm sorry, Clary," he then voiced those apologies. "I know what I did was horrible and I have an explanation. I can't tell you yet, it's too dangerous. But I can tell you that I am going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you."

My heart swayed. His words brought back memories, beautiful ones I didn't care to resurface. I wanted to believe him, I did. As if sensing my hesitation, he added, "I swear that I will never hurt you again, Clary Fairchild."

It sounded strange to hear my real name from his mouth. But the words he said were passionate. And this time, I knew he was telling the truth. It seemed someone in the car – I figured if Alec was there, the others were too – thought I needed more persuasion, because the back window was rolled down.

"Shortcake," came Magnus' singsong voice. "Come cuddle me." This made me laugh, but I got in the car next to Magnus either way.

"Don't get glitter on my clothes," was all I said as I allowed him to wrap me in a hug.

 **0.o.O.o.0**

Jace drove the jeep to my house. I let myself in quietly – after a long argument with everyone in the car about me going in by myself – and shut the front door behind me. I was careful not to wake Luke or my mother as I made my way to the kitchen. I grabbed something quick to eat (if you recall, I didn't exactly have time for snacking at the party) and retreated silently to my room to pack.

I didn't need everything. The Institute was only minutes from my house; I could always come back for extra things if I needed to. So I packed plenty of clothes and pajamas, toiletries, my school things, and literally everything art related in the house, other than the decorations and paintings off the wall. I had only one extra pair of shoes.

I almost left it. I almost walked away and left it as an afterthought. I almost made it away. But I couldn't. I snatched the necklace off my desk and shoved it into and extra pocket in my backpack.

In a last minute memory, I thought to write my mother a note. I left my suitcase and my backpack by the door. I went into Jocelyn's office, and scribbled a goodbye on a piece of paper.

 _Dear Mom and Luke,_

 _I'm leaving. About a year ago, a terrible thing happened to me. After brutally losing the person I cared most about in the world, I fell two stories. Not only did I break a collarbone and an ankle, not only was a showered with cuts and bruises, I was left with a broken heart as well._

 _Two weeks after this incident, I had a visitor. His name was Magnus Bane. I'm sure by now you know where I'm going with this. Magnus, High Warlock of Brooklyn, told me everything. About how you were a Shadowhunter; about how I am too; about how Luke is a werewolf. He taught me – however limitedly – how to fight. He gave me a stele. He gave me a seraph blade. He gave me my history._

 _I know you didn't want me to know these things, for whatever reason. I'm sorry I lied to you. I need to know what you didn't tell me. I'm disappointed that you felt you had to lie. How could you keep my own identity from me?_

 _I'll be staying at the Institute. Don't come after me. It's where I belong. I'm sorry I had to go. I'll be safe, I promise. I love you both._

 _Clary_ _ **Fairchild**_

I folded the note in half and quietly ascended the stairs to deliver my letter. I rapped quietly on my mother and Luke's room to see if anyone was awake. No answer.

I let myself in and placed the note on the bedside table. It was dark and I couldn't see my mother. I felt around and felt the first sleeping hunch I could locate. Then I placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

I turned to leave. I had my hand on the doorknob when something made me stop. A groan. It wasn't sleep talking or acknowledgement. It was a groan of pain.

I flicked on the lights and was met with horror. Luke was sprawled shirtless on the bed in a pool of his own blood. I could see it steadily streaming from his shoulder. The room was torn apart, everything strewn around and tossed aside as if someone had been looking for something.

But that's not what scared me the most. It was the curling, snapping, slithering demon in the far corner of the room. It dripped mucus and its snarling teeth were bared.

I leaped into action. I knew my mother had a seraph blade under her bed. In record time and what must have been a stroke of luck, I was able to fish it out and bare it in front of me _before_ the demon collided with me. I spun around and used the leverage to slash the blade through the air. It sliced the demon's front open, leaving a glaring gash over the place where it's heart should be. This solicited a furious yelp from the demon, but no real damage.

 _A heartless demon,_ I thought quickly, trying to remember what I read about them. _Aim for the head._ Yes, that's it!

In my delayed train of thought, the demon had time to clamp its jaws down on my ankle. I screamed in pain.

Now you would expect me to scream something normal like "Mom!" or "Dad!" or "Help!" or even just a normal wail. Instead?

" _Jace!_ " I screeched at the top of my lungs. I knew I was too far away for him to hear, but still I yelled.

And then I had work to do. Suddenly angry, I stood on hesitantly and a little wobbly and I said, "Shut up, you worthless, slimy, thing."

Reacting to my voice, the demon turned in just the right way so when my seraph blade slashed through the air, the demon's head came with it. And the room was filled with a brilliant silence.

The blade slipped from my hands and landed with a _clang_. I distantly heard the front door opening. "Clary!" Jace called. I worried for a moment that he had heard me, and now that I'd killed the thing, it'd be held against me for months. But his voice was relaxed. "You took too long, so I'm coming in!"

Next came the vague sound as someone charged playfully up the steps. It took Jace a moment to find me. When he did, I fell apart. I started to cry as Jace took in this seen. Luke, passed out but still breathing and covered in blood. Me, violent tremors racking my body and also covered in blood. The demon, or where it used to be, now a spot of ichor and dust on the ground. The seraph blade that had slipped from my grasp and landed a couple inches from my toes.

I started sobbing when I realized the one thing missing from the room. Jocelyn was gone.

 **0.o.O.o.0**

Jace crossed the room in seconds and had me in his arms. I didn't pull away. I was too torn apart to think how he had gotten me this way once. I let him fold me against his chest and try to calm the shaking.

"Shh," Jace calmed. "It's okay. You're safe. You killed it." I wasn't really scared. My mother was gone, and I was scared for her. But demons were my life. I'd killed plenty before on trips Magnus had supervised. Mostly I was in shock.

When Jace carefully led me out of the house, Izzy and Magnus were playfully chatting as they leaned against the car, and Alec watched them with sarcastic boredom. When they caught sight of us, everyone was on high alert.

Magnus was the first to step forward. He wrapped me in a tight hug, muttering "Demons?" to Jace as he did so. Jace responded with a firm nod and, "Took Jocelyn."

Alec stepped forward to Jace to ask if he had any injuries. "No," he said. "Luke's inside unconscious. Go." Alec stepped away immediately, on a mission.

Then Izzy stepped up. "Backpack and suitcase by the door," Jace murmured, and Izzy set off.

 _Hmph,_ I thought, though the timing was awkward. _Well done._

Then Jace turned back to me, his eyes searching mine, and he beckoned me to him with his head. Immediately, I was back in his arms. If I was in my right mind, I wouldn't have gone anywhere near him. But I wasn't. And Jace's strong arms felt warm, and like they were made to fit me.

Jace pulled us into the backseat of the jeep and cradled me. I dug my head into his chest so I didn't have to watch as Alec loaded and unconscious and bloody Luke into the trunk. I felt Magnus squish in beside me, placing a comforting hand on my back. Alec got in the front seat, Izzy in the passenger's, and then we drove away.

In my distant mind, I regretted the harsh words I'd written to my mother. Then, without thinking about how terrible the thought itself was, I wondered if she'd ever get a chance to read them anyway.

 **I know this chapter was shorter than usual, but I wanted to get this one out fast so you guys know that I'm not quitting this story! See you soon!**

 **-MajorArcana2**


	6. Memories Scare

I woke up in his arms. I had my back pressed so closely to Jace that I could feel his muscles tensing and releasing in his sleep. Jace's arm was flung loosely around my waist and his chin was snuggling my head into his neck. The position was so alien, yet so familiar. Which confused me, seeing as even when Jace and I were more aware of our affectionate feelings for each other, we'd never been this intimate.

And it scared me. To think about it, I had never been this intimate with anyone. But who else was there beside Jace? Either way, it was now seven in the morning, and I needed to move. Memories from the previous night were slowly resurfacing, and if I laid like a skeleton for much longer, I'd have a mental breakdown.

I gently and slowly urged myself away from Jace, instantly feeling the cold air blasting me where I had been touching him. I didn't get very far, though. Jace's arm grew taught and he dragged me backwards, somehow closer then I had been before. I huffed a quiet sigh. This was going to be more difficult then I had thought.

Once again, I tried to wriggle myself from Jace's tight grasp. And once again, he didn't seem to like that. Not only did Jace pull me back _and_ tangle his legs with mine, he let out a frustrated, protesting whine. Then he placed a rough kiss on the top of my head, followed with sleepy, unintelligible words whispered into my hair.

My entire body tensed unexpectedly. I had to find a way out of this situation. _I had to_. If I didn't…

I knew exactly what would happen.

I would fall directly back into Jace's trap again. He would have me fully and I would be in love. I'd lose all control of my emotions. I'd lose all focus. And he'd be free to do with me whatever he wanted, even drop me.

 _Dramatic_. No, I thought. Not again. This couldn't be happening again! _Attention-seeking. Pathetic. Bland. Miserable…little…girl…_

They weren't my words. They were his. But the impact shook me fully as if he'd meant them.

\- Wait –

Did I just say that? Did I just imply that Jace hadn't meant what he said? Even if I had implied it, that didn't mean it could be true. The thought itself was foreign, as if someone had planted it there. But to convince myself that I could be strong – that I could live without Jace – then I had to tell myself that he hadn't lied. If he had been lying in that note, there were only two possible explanations.

1\. 1. Jace pushed me off the roof purely for fun, and then proceeded to verbally attack me, for more fun.

Or…

2\. 2. Jace didn't feel that way about me. Instead he felt…like he'd once said to me before: _I love you._ But that meant something much deeper was in play.

I didn't want to believe either option. How could I? So I didn't. The words had been a concept purely thought up by a part of me that still longed for Jace's touch. A part of me I would never – could never – relent to.

Even though I'd settled the thought as fake, I could feel the tears burning fast in the back of my eyes. _No, thank you,_ I thought bitterly. _I've had enough public humiliation and mental breakdowns in front of Jace that only give him access to pick me apart further._

I raged silently but firmly against Jace's verbal and physical protests. But he wasn't awake. He couldn't be. Because if he was, then Jace had willingly and consciously cuddled with me and kissed me. That was just plain unreasonable.

By the time Jace let go, I had full momentum behind his interlocked arms, causing me to be flung forward headfirst. The noise of the impact was enough to wake Jace, and probably the rest of the Institute, but the tears were building up. So I rushed instantly out the door of Jace's room and darted to the left.

"Clary!" I heard Jace shouting continuously behind me. I could feel his footsteps on the floor close behind me. I knew Jace was much faster, even his stride was at least two and a half times larger, so I dodged into a room on my right. Fortunately, I listened intently as Jace's footsteps continued past the door, receding into the distance. I let out a sigh I hadn't even realized I'd been holding.

"Classy," the voice that came from behind me startled me so much that I whirled around and bonked my head against the door. Jordan. Ugh. I slumped to a sitting position against the door, mournfully rubbing at my forehead. Lucky for me, I'd managed to ram my forehead into the sharp doorknob, and as my pulled my fingertips way, I saw that they were in fact stained with blood.

I didn't have a stele on me, so I'd just have to heal like a mundane. Easy enough, seeing as I sometimes still considered myself one at times.

"Who were you running from?" Jordan questioned. He was laid out lazily across the bed in the corner. I shot him my best glare, and to my surprise, his eyes widened in shock a bit, most likely credit to what was becoming a rough gash across my head.

"What are you doing here?" Jordan looked skeptical. "Answer mine, I'll answer yours," I added. This seemed to convince him.

"The Praetor put my here," he answered finally. "For now."

The Praetor. As in Praetor Lupus. I'd read about this in one of the books Magnus had given me to learn from. An organization built by werewolves, set up to protect Downworlders. Those who were newly turned, those who'd found a wrong path, those who'd gone rogue, but not enough so to be handled by the Shadowhunters.

"I was running from Jace. What do you mean 'for now?'" I continued to question him.

"There was a Downworlder attack last night. I was sent in to handle to the new one. Was a kid, a vamp turned him," for some reason, his words sent a chill churning through my whole body. "I heard about you and Jace. Must be rough."

"Must be _rough?_ " I laughed humorlessly. "Man, I wish there was some kind of initiation for Shadowhunters. I could've been so done with this crap. You're part of the Praetor?"

Jordan spread his hands out as if to say, _in the flesh._ "Praetor Kyle, at your service," he announced cockily. "And there is an initiation program. It's called 'Jace.' He can help."

"Thanks, but I already learned what I need to. It's called 'Magnus.' Besides, I never want to ask Jace for anything ever again. I already have to spend nearly half my life with him, I don't need to seem more weak in his eyes," I had no idea why I was confessing my life to this guy that I practically hated.

Jordan leaned forward, and I recognized his stance. He had turned into Therapist Mode. Or in his case, Praetor mode. "It's not weak to need help or more information. Trust me, Clary. Feeling like that can cause major issues."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "How am I supposed to trust you?" I snapped. "Now that I know the truth about what you did to Maia…"

Jordan let his head hang. Obviously, I had struck a nerve. I almost felt bad. _Almost._ "I couldn't ever feel guiltier about what I did. I've spent my life since that moment trying to apologize, and I fully intend to spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her. You should know that."

I was taken aback. I had no idea it was like that. Now, I felt sorry. "Well, maybe I'll decide to give you a chance," he looked up at this, hope burning deep in his eyes. It was then that I knew Jordan was still hopelessly in love with her. "That's if Maia is good with it. I just might be able to help you." I winked at him and stood to leave.

I had my hand on the door when another thought resurfaced. "Hey, Jordan. One more thing. That kid, the one that got attacked? What was his name?" Just to settle this feeling in my stomach, I thought. Not because I knew anything.

"Louis, maybe? S…ahh, yes. Simon. His name was Simon Lewis."


	7. Memories Help

I was out the door in _less_ than seconds.

Simon? My Simon? Turned into a vampire?

I let this happen. I did this to him. It was all my fault that Simon was…undead. I had to help him…had to be there. For Simon.

"Clary!" Jordan was in front of me. I'd forgotten that practically everyone I knew was faster than me. "What's wrong?"

"Simon!" I shrieked. That was the only explanation I gave before I shot off in the opposite direction, toward the exit.

And then there was Izzy. "Clary?" she asked.

"It's Simon!" I yelled again. "He's – he's – gone! V-vampires!" I choked out between the sobs.

Izzy's face immediately grew from worried to determined. "Come on," she said. "I'll help you."

And then there was Jace. "Clary, we need to – wait, what is it?"

This time, Izzy spared me from answering. Jace split from us to go get gear. Credits to a speed rune he'd quickly scrawled, Jace was back in five minutes.

Half my mind was screaming that I had spent the night in Jace's arms. I had fought off a demon after discovering a half-conscious Luke (who was still unconscious in the Institute infirmary) and finding out my mother had been kidnapped. And on top of all of it, my life was still seriously screwed up because of certain people in it and – and I'd never found myself wishing as much as I was now to be mundane.

Meanwhile, the other half of my brain was violently screaming bloody-murder in the form of the words _Simon!_

Somehow, in my killer desperation, I'd managed to be at least two times faster than the others, and I pushed open the doors to be sprayed with biting wind and icy rain. I stood, shocked by the coldness of the moment, until a firm set of arms snatched me around the waist and pulled me back inside.

I turned to find Jace, and then I was in nearly the exact same position I'd woken up in this morning. I stood gasping for a few seconds, my heart beating rapidly, before instinct and memory kicked in and I tore myself away from him.

"What are we waiting for?" I shrieked, clearly losing my patience.

"Weather," Jace answered rudely, and I glared at him.

"What, Shadowhunters are afraid of water? Huh, Magnus failed to mention that," I snapped.

Jace opened his mouth to say something harsh in response, but Izzy stepped in front of him. "Clary, have you looked outside? The conditions are ridiculous! We won't be able to see in that, much less locate and raise a vampire," Izzy rationalized. I knew Izzy was right, but I couldn't help wincing when she spoke the words "raise a vampire."

"Plus, it's light outside. Simon will most likely be at the Dumort, and in that case, no sensible vampires are going to be awake," Jordan added.

I let my head fall into my hands. I could feel the tears burning at my eyes, and I was doing my best to forcibly restrain them. "On the bright side, we can at least work on finding your mother in our spare time," Isabelle suggested.

I was definitely going to have trouble concentrating while Simon was in danger – even though the second option was my own mother, but I could definitely handle it.

"Are you kidding? No way! It's too dangerous. Valentine did this. No. I'm not allowing this," Jace protested.

He had the audacity?! Now I was 100% positive that I needed to find my mother. Mostly, of course, for my mother. But there was a tiny whispered voice in my brain told me that I was doing this to prove to Jace that I wasn't the same girl he'd pushed. "Excuse me?" I voiced my incredulous thoughts.

"You heard what I said, Clary. It's not safe for you," Jace stated promptly.

"Where do you get the authority to decide that?" I shrieked.

"Because I'm way more experienced than you are. I'm a trained Shadowhunter and you're - ," Jace cut himself short.

Oh. I see. "What, Jace? What am I?" I thought about the things he'd written and wondered if one of those words was one he'd been about to use. Dramatic? Attention-seeking? Pathetic? Miserable?

He pressed his lips together into a thin line. The tension in the room was so palpable I could feel it bristling the hairs on the back of my neck. The others watched in silent anticipation as our "conversation" ensued.

"Nothing more than a mundane," Jace finally completed.

I nearly stepped back. "Wow, Jace, classy," I was trying – and surprisingly enough, succeeding in keeping the faint hurt out of my voice. "You're such a child."

To avoid more unwanted and unnecessarily painful encounters with Jace, I turned and pushed open the doors, letting myself out into the rain.

I had an advantage that the others didn't. I knew Simon. I'd be able to find him myself. Then I'd go to Magnus and if it was needed, I'd go straight to the Dumort. I had no idea why I'd ever even agreed to live in the Institute. I didn't need them. I was my own person.

Nevertheless, I found myself repeating the words 'prove it to Jace,' and not the words 'save Simon' on loop in my mind. It was unsettling. So I closed my eyes momentarily as I walked and tried to banish Jace from my mind. Mind you, it the barricade I'd constructed most likely wouldn't last more than a few hours. So I'd devote those few hours to Simon.

Aaaannnnd, there was a hand on my wrist. I allowed myself to be turned, fully expecting to see Jace with his puppy dog eyes and his fake apology, but the result was much different.

"Alec?" I asked in surprise. Then realization hit me. "So they sent you this time? Thought I might murder Jace if he tried to apologize one more time? Or maybe it was the other way around? Jace is so boiling with anger that he would hurt me? You're probably right either way."

Alec rolled his eyes. "Of course not. I'm just as mad at Jace as you are. He was a total idiot that night and he's only making it worse. I'm here to help you," he explained.

"Yeah, right. What are you, a spy?" I demanded. There was no way Alec was turning his back on his _parabatai_ for me.

Alec rolled his eyes. Again. But his gaze held ulterior motive. I was smart enough to tell that he wasn't trying to necessarily spy for Jace. But there was something…

"Oh, my God! Seriously? God, I can't believe you! Jace sent you to what, protect me? I can handle myself!" I yelled. We were pretty close to the Institute and I wanted to get a head start from the others. I wanted Simon. I had not time for this.

"No, Clary, you can't. Jace was right. You only just became a Shadowhunter. What if something happens to you?" he asked.

"Then you can all rejoice singing 'Hallelujah,' God knows none of you want me here," I snapped. "Forget it, Alec. Go back and tell Jace not to look for Simon. None of you care about him either way."

I turned and walked away. As I walked, I could feel Alec's burning stare on me, but I distracted myself by quickly applying runes for safety with a rune I'd taken from the Institute weapon room.

I knew where Simon would go if something terrible had happened to him. In fact, I had several options. It was day, of course, but I was quite sure Simon was smart enough to know his restrictions about sunlight.

To top my list, I had my house. Simon felt safe there, right? But what if he'd gotten there and seen the damage? But what if he hadn't? I made my way there first.

After searching through each and every room in my house, I decided Simon wasn't here. Next on my list was his own house.

He wasn't there, either. But I gathered a few of his things that I could use to track him. Then I made my way to Magnus' apartment. I didn't think Simon would go there, of course, but maybe Magnus would be able to help me.

Maybe if I wasn't so worried for Simon's safety, I would've been more tentative about going to Magnus for help just after telling Jace and everyone else I could handle myself. But this wasn't about me.

Freaking Magnus wasn't home. The idiot. Where else could he be?

A thought struck me that maybe Magnus had been called in to help the Institute Shadowhunters. I didn't like that very much. Wasn't Magnus on my side? But I knew he didn't have a choice.

I, myself, only had one choice left. I punched in Jordan's number on my cell phone and waited worriedly for him to pick up.


	8. Memories Replace

"'Ello?" Jordan answered playfully.

I was so relieved to hear his voice that if Jordan was standing next to me, I would've kissed him. I then reprimanded myself for the odd and wild thought because _Maia._

"Jordan!" I shouted, still breathing heavy.

"Clary!" he shouted in response. "Are you okay? You left in such a hurry after I told you that kid's name…"

"Yeah," I told Jordan. "Simon is my best friend. I _need_ to find him. Do you have any idea where he might be?" The amount of sheer hope in my voice was overwhelming, even for me.

Jordan was silent for a long amount of time, and that hope was steadily decreasing. "He was attacked at the Jade Wolf. I'll meet you there and maybe we can find some leads," he punctuated the sentence with a depressed groan.

"Why would vampires go there?" I asked. The Jade Wolf was just what it sounded like – werewolf headquarters. What vampire would want to set foot there?

"My guess? This is bigger than vampires and werewolves," Jordan said. His voice was still filled with dread. "I'll see you there in ten."

He clicked off. I took a deep breath, applied a speed rune, and started towards Chinatown.

 **0.o.O.o.0**

When I arrived, Jordan was, as promised, pacing back and forth behind a dumpster in the back of the restaurant.

"Are you…hiding?" I asked him quizzically. There was a faint, joking smile playing out on my lips.

Jordan glared at me, his only response.

Realization surfaced. "Omigosh!" I yelled, after which Jordan harshly shushed me. "You're afraid Maia would be here? She has absolutely every right to brutally murder you if she wants to. And I'll help."

"I know," Jordan answered without missing a beat. "But I figured maybe we could find and possibly save Simon first. Then, I'll let you be the one to call her. Okay?"

I nodded. That was enough for me. Plus, I really did need to focus on Simon. "Okay. So…did you find anything?" I asked him.

Jordan shook his head. "Let's…let's go to the front…I guess," Jordan couldn't have sounded less happy about if Maia had already killed him.

I followed Jordan around to the front of the restaurant. It looked like no one was here, and the lights were off inside. Maybe –

That thought was very quickly silenced by the door of the Jade Wolf slamming open.

" _What_ do you thing you're doing here?" Maia put extreme emphasis on the word "what."

"Umm –," but Jordan didn't get a chance to finish his explanation.

Maia was growling ferociously and her limbs were snapping in a gruesome way. I knew what that meant.

I watched as Jordan started stripping his leather jacket and tossed it to the side. "What are you doing?" I asked him.

Jordan answered while keeping his eyes glued to Maia's changing form. "I do not care if she tears me to shreds. I do, however, care about my jacket."

Typical boy.

When it became clear that Maia wouldn't be calming down at any point, I decided it was my turn to step in.

I drew the Seraph blade I'd "borrowed" from the Institute out of the clothes I'd "borrowed" as well. It flashed brilliant white when I spoke its name, momentarily drawing Maia's attention.

"You're a _Shadowhunter?_ " Maia shrieked in disbelief.

It only delayed her for a moment, though. In seconds she was refocused on Jordan who'd closed his eyes to brace for impact.

That's when I stepped in. "Maia, listen to me," I told her.

"Why should I? It looks to me like you're protecting him. Don't you know what he did?" She questioned.

"Of course I do! And believe me, I _cannot_ wait to help you torture him till he cries."

"Well, thanks," Jordan commented from behind me.

"Shut up!" Maia and I both shouted at the same time.

"Maia, listen. Simon's gone. Vampires attacked him and I have to find him before he gets hurt. Jordan is the only person who can help me. So please, just wait until after I know Simon is okay?"

"Simon?" She asked in shock. Maia relaxed from her fighting stance for a moment. Then she shook her head to clear it. "Why do you need him?" I couldn't help but notice that she wouldn't address Jordan by name. I didn't blame her.

"Jordan is Praetor Lupus," I explained.

"Praetor? Why?"

I regarded her with a _duh_ look that help a touch of sympathy. "Why do you think, Maia?"

Maia's mouth pressed into a thin line. "Well – well isn't there Shadowhunters that can help you with that?"

My shoulders slumped and I let the blade fall from where it had been positioned defensively. "Maia, I'm sorry I never told you this, but I had some really, _really_ bad experiences with those people long before I even knew they were Shadowhunters so I can't think of anything worse than asking them for help so _please,_ Maia…"

I let the sentence trail off because my words were getting choked in my throat. "Worse than what I went through with him?" Maia demanded.

"Umm…kind of?" I responded. I didn't mean for it to come out as a question, but was what I went through really worse? We were both betrayed in the worst way possible and neither of us would ever be the same. "I guess it's kind of even."

"What do you mean?"

I sighed. "Look, you got Turned and I got thrown off a two-story building, even?" Maia's jaw dropped. "I'll tell you more later, but…Simon?!"

Maia nodded quickly and sharply. "Promise me one thing," I gave her a look that said _go on_. "When we're done with him, let's kill the guy that hurt you, 'kay?"

I sighed again. "I wish. But I'm afraid he's more talented both all of us, combined, times four. And he knows it."

 **0.o.O.o.0**

Jordan picked up Simon's scent and set off following it. Maia and I hung a few safe paces behind; it was less to prevent his distraction, and more to prevent his death. Maia was silent, but somehow I could tell that she wasn't feeling scared or angry because of Jordan's presence. Her attitude was apprehensive, worried. I knew why.

"Should I start from the beginning?" I asked her.

Maia's gaze flicked to me as we walked. Her eyes were wide as she attempted to feign innocence, but both of us knew she'd been thinking the same thing. "Wherever you're comfortable," she muttered in response.

I nodded and drew in a breath. Who was the last person I'd told this story to? That's right, Simon. Over a year ago, when I'd first met him. Oh, geez.

"Umm, okay. Well, when I was in elementary school, I was kind of a…disliked kid. The other students would pick on me, call me names, throw stuff, the basics. Like most cases, though, it got worse as the years went on. By seventh grade, I went home with bruises from getting tripped in the halls nearly every week.

"But, umm, then there was Jace," I had no idea why I was fumbling for words so badly. It was just a hard story to tell, and one I told less than rarely, at that. "He was 5'11" by eighth grade, and only continuing to sprout up as he got older. His eyes looked like mental bronze. He had hair so golden I'm surprised no one's tried to get him to chop it off and sell it. Though maybe someone has, it's not like Jace would ever go for it. His hair is his most prized possession.

"There's this way that his hair is just long enough to kind of fall into his eyes without making him a weird biker with a pony tail," I laughed, and Maia sniggered along.

"I know some wolves in my pack that would take large offense to that," she chuckled.

"Okay, I'll get back to the important stuff then. Like I said, Jace was absolutely gorgeous, and he knew it. Jace happened to have – actually, he _has_ \- the biggest ego known to man. But when he walked into my life, he used that massive ego to knock all those kids to the sideline.

"He was my angel," I smiled at all the bittersweet memories passing by. I started to laugh as I told her one of the stories. "Once, I went out with this guy. He was sweet, but he dumbed be after two weeks because I was 'too independent,' plus a few other choice vocabulary words I'd rather not repeat. It took monstrous, ungodly amounts of food to get over that breakup.

"Now it seems silly, but Jace was _so_ angry. The three of us had gym together, and it just happened to be a choice day. Jace knew there was no way he'd get away with beating him up in the middle of the gym, so Jace managed to hit him with every ball he could find in every imaginable place so that the guy left crying. It was…beautiful.

"Not even a month later, Jace and I were dating and he was everything. The perfect gift. I remember just constantly thinking he was too good to be true. And he was.

"We were at a Halloween party –," I was cut off when Maia made an "eesh" noise.

"Party? Clary? Oh, this is going to be bad," I hadn't known Maia for even half as long as Simon, and even she could tell that I wouldn't be caught dead at a party unless I had a very good reason.

"Well, yeah. It was…as good as it could've been…when everything went to hell. The lights were flashing and doors were slamming and…" I trailed off as my memory went slightly hazy. It wasn't necessarily that I was forgetting details; it was that I felt there were details I hadn't been able to process that night, but were now resurfacing.

"It was chaotic. I felt Jace dragging me up the stairs to the roof. He was just as hectic. He knew what was happening but he wouldn't tell me. Then he pulled me to the edge of the roof and said, 'jump, Clary.'

"I couldn't do it. I told him so. And then he just…snapped. It was like he got so desperate that a switch flipped in his brain that he just couldn't control. Suddenly he was saying such horrible things. He was saying how no one – especially him – cared if I lived or died.

Maia clasped my hand tightly in hers and I took as shaky breath, trying desperately not to cry. "I lost my balance, what with all the words, making me queasy. I fell. I was instantly knocked unconscious and when I woke up…" I had to take another breath and close my burning eyes to keep the tears from falling.

"He had written some satanic _list_. Of all the things that he hated about me, all the reasons why I didn't deserve to live. It was sick.

"And now he's back. Still acting like a total ass. The only thing that's changed is the fact that he got a lot hotter."

I was glad when Maia didn't try to hug me or do anything that would cause heavy sobbing. She just squeezed my hand and kept walking.

"Clary," It was Jordan. He'd turned around, and was clenching and unclenching his fists. Maia tensed beside me. "I'm sorry. I had no idea it was that bad."

"I don't recall you being that sorry after you bit me," Maia snapped, with absolutely no prior warning or reason. But betrayal was like that.

Jordan stiffened even more than Maia had. "You have no idea," he said, chuckling humorlessly. And he turned away, obviously not into a continuation of this unpleasant conversation.

Maia's mouth dropped open, and I know for a fact she would've made some comment to make this even less pleasant for all of us if Jordan had not perked up and stiffened noticeably, both at the same time.

"It's stronger," he announced. "Fresh. He's here, Clary, I'm sure of it."

I surveyed the area. We were standing in front of _my_ apartment. How had we gotten here so fast? Had my story really taken that long?

What's more important was the fact that Simon had come here. I'd checked earlier on my promenade, and I decided he wasn't there. But…

"By the Angel, that scraggly old duck!" I groaned, setting off towards the front door.

"What do you mean?" Maia asked. Jordan was even more confused.

"Do you remember Dorothea?" I asked.

Maia nodded. "Old lady, super creepy, kind of kooky?"

I mumbled an affirmative, and Maia seemed to understand. "Magnus would always look at her funny when he came over to teach me things. I'm starting to think…" I didn't really know what I was starting to think. I had some sort of idea, but in my Simon-induced-haze, I didn't wait to work out the fuzzy details.

"She's probably a witch," Jordan added. A mundane who'd come in contact with a warlock who'd taught them a few things about the Shadow world, including a few choice spells.

Now I was angrier. Simon could be in danger.

The old porch steps gave slightly under my pace and the way I let my feet fall down hard. I pushed open the door and knocked frantically, barely being able to wait for someone inside to open it.

"Dear, me!" Dorothea exclaimed when she flung the door open and I barely had time to stop knocking, causing my fist to halt only inches from Dorothea's nose. "What on earth is it?"

"Where is he?" I shrieked. "Where's Simon?"

"You mean the vampire? Where do you think? It's light. I put him in the dark room. He's quite -," Dorothea of course did not get a chance to finish. I stormed past her with no concern for politeness as I banged around the apartment searching for the witch's so-called "dark room."

Finally I found a room with a closed door and no light emanating from the cracks. I checked all around me to make sure he wasn't in danger of sunlight, and tentatively pushed it open.

"Who is it?" came Simon's familiar voice. I almost fell on to the ground with relief. But I still had to make sure he was okay.

I closed the door quietly behind me for privacy. Somehow, Simon seemed to recognize my spicy hair, even in the dark.

"Clare?" he asked hopefully.

"Si!" The two of us stormed toward each other and collided at a force that I was forced slightly backwards. We clung to each other tightly for a moment before Simon hastily backed away.

"Wait, get away from me," he said shamefully. "I'm a monster."

"Simon, no," I told him, grabbing Simon's hands and ignoring the way he tried to tear them from my grasp. "You're still you. You're just on a new diet."

Despite himself, Simon choked out a laugh. "Look, we can do this. I'll help you come to terms with this and I'll tell you all about the crap that I'm going through as well. And we'll both be _fine_. Because we're _us_." Simon seemed at least a little bit convinced, for now, and he let me pull him into another tight hug.

"I'm so glad you're okay," I told him gingerly.

"Please," Simon said, trying to sound confident and failing to cover his trembling undertone. "I can handle anything, Fray. You're stuck with me."

"Clary?" The voice was Jordan's, from the outside of the door. "We've vamp-proofed the house. You can come out now."

 **0.o.O.o.0**

Twenty minutes later, I was sitting on a torn up sofa, squished into place with Simon cuddled into my side and Jordan and Maia leaning as far away from each other as possible as Dorothea asked for the fourth time if she can get anyone any tea.

Then there was a sickening bang and my heart sped up in my chest. That is, until I saw Jace, Alec, and Izzy storm over the door they'd knocked down, Seraph blades flashing. I choked out a laugh.

Jace looked over all of us, muttered a curse, and started jamming his Seraph blades back into their holsters. Then Magnus trailed in behind them, looking irritated.

"I told you all! And what do I get in response? Eye rolls. 'No, Magnus. We're the professionals. We'll find Simon before she does, Magnus.' And what did I say? 'Oh! But Clary actually knows this kid. She'll be able to -,"

"Shut. The hell up," Jace snapped grumpily.

Silence ensued for a few moments. And then Magnus mumbled, "Fools."


	9. Memories Change

Jace was so angry about not being the first to find Simon that he stormed off, into his jeep, and let everyone else behind. It was only once Simon, Magnus, Alec, Izzy, Jordan, Maia and I arrived via Magnus' portal on the Institute's steps that I realized Simon couldn't come with me.

"Simon, this is a church," I tentatively explained to him. "And now that you're a vampire, and vampires are considered unholy, you can't…"

I waited hesitantly for him to understand. "I can't come in there," he finally finished for me.

I nodded, slightly cringing, waiting for Simon to call himself a monster or a beast or some other self-degrading nickname. But he didn't.

"That's okay," he said, shrugging. "I'll go back to my apartment with Jordan."

Maia growled. "Since when," she enunciated every word painfully clear. "Did you move in with that _gargoyle_?!"

"You do realize that you two are the same species, so by calling him a gargoyle, you're also referring to you -," Magnus started, but I stomped gravely on his toe, effectively silencing the warlock.

"Since I was cornered in an alleyway trying to get to you and was attacked by vampires. Since I crawled myself out of a shallow grave to see his face, and even Raphael. Since he's done everything he can to help me and you didn't even know," Simon snapped. It was unbelievably harsh for the situation.

"Simon, none of us knew. Jordan wasn't exactly aware of the personal connections you had," I pointed out, but Simon remained silent as way of recognition.

"Plus," I said, moving closer to Simon so it was more discreet. "You do know who that is, right?"

Simon's eyebrows furrowed; he was obviously oblivious to the current situation.

"I'll, um, tell you tomorrow," I whispered, patting his shoulder and then turning away.

"What? No way!" Simon shouted. "No fair!" I couldn't help but giggle a little.

"Wait!" Maia yelled, catching up to me. "Can I stay with you tonight? I want to…talk to you…"

"Sure!" I answered, and we linked arms like the normal, stereotypical teenage girls we both wished we could be.

 **0.o.O.o.0**

Simon and Jordan stepped through Magnus' portal, Simon still looking very confused and hurt for being left out of the loop. Next, Magnus portaled himself back to his own apartment, leaving Maia, Alec, Izzy and I on our own.

Scratch that, Maia and I. Alec and Izzy had, at some point, already gone inside. Maia and I were mostly quiet as we made our way toward my room. Unfortunately, I was forced to make my way past Jace's room on the way. Just as we were making our way past, and it seemed like we were in the clear, Jace's door banged wide open and he stomped out, nearly running into Maia.

When I saw him, I immediately tensed. It was a shame that this had become instinct whenever I saw the towheaded giant. I assume Maia had been able to feel it through our linked arms just as I had been able to feel it when she'd seen Jordan. She gave my fingers a comforting squeeze.

Jace halted in his tracks, a grimace painted on his face. He looked the both of us up and down, muttered a single "yuck," and then walked away.

My mouth dropped open. "Did he just ' _yuck_ ' me?" I asked Maia in an astonished tone.

"I think he 'yucked' me…" Maia answered. "I'm the wolf."

"Well, then that's incredibly rude," I told her, and we started walking again to my room.

"How'd you fall in love with him?" She asked.

A tiny needle punctured my heart. "How'd you fall in love with the guy that turned you into a werewolf?" I retorted.

"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about," Maia said quietly as a shut the door to my room.

"Falling in love with Jordan?"

"More just Jordan himself," she clarified.

"Oh," I answered, slightly confused as to what exactly she wanted to talk about. "Go on."

"I guess…since you told me your story, I wanted to tell you mine. I know I've given you the mundane details, but now…"

"Everything's changed," I finished for her. She nodded, but didn't look me in the eye.

"Okay, so I'm just gonna talk," she announced. I motioned for her to continue. "I met Jordan when I was fourteen. I pretty much fell in love with him instantly. He was this adorable, tiny little boy who just cared about – about me, it seemed. He was such a dork.

"The first time we kissed him, he got so nervous that when I handed him my earrings to put in the glove box, his hands were shaking so bad that he kept dropping them. And he wouldn't stop apologizing until I kissed him again," Her face was stuck in the memories of the past, a bittersweet smile painted on her face. I didn't want he to ever have to come out of it, but she did.

"And then he just changed. I guess I know now that that was when he was bitten. Going through the change is just excruciating. But he was terrible and possessive. He would hit me sometimes. And then…"

Tears crowned Maia's eyes; she sniffed to keep her emotions under control. "I'd told him we were over earlier in the day. And then – like an _idiot_ – I went to a club and made a big show of dancing with someone else. I was trying to make sure he knew it was over. _Of course_ I freaking chose the first full moon since his Change. Jordan freaked.

"I was on my way home and it was dark. I was attacked from behind and all I remember from it is just – _hurt._ __Not necessarily just the physical pain because…I knew it was him. He only confirmed my suspicions when he whispered 'you're mine. You'll always be mine,' in my ear."

She sighed, wiping away the stray tears that had fallen as if they had betrayed her just as bad as Jordan had. "And then he just disappeared."

I pulled Maia close to me and she accepted the hug. That's when I knew how bad the situation was. Maia wasn't one for cuddling. "I'll cut all ties with him," I assured her. "I just needed him with the whole Simon situation, and all…"

"No," Maia nearly shouted, pulling away from me so quickly I was forced to move away. "I mean…it's just…ugh."

"Okay," she began again. "But I'm falling in love with him all over again."

My mouth dropped wide open.

"I just keep seeing that boy I met years ago and then that night just comes flashing back and it's a deadly cycle!" She wailed. "I mean…don't you get it? Isn't that happening with you and Jace?"

" _God_ , no!" I shouted. I then had to remind myself to calm down and quiet down. "We've both changed."

Maia seemed to consider. Then she laughed, though it sounded just slightly forced. "Well, I've only seen that boy twice, and I'd willingly jump off a roof just to have a chance with him!"

"I don't think you'd need to go that far," I chuckled. "Jace is sort of a player."

"Really?" Maia yelped with overflowing laughter. "Well that makes him even more interesting."

 **0.o.O.o.0**

Maia and I fell asleep on the floor of my room. We'd stayed up until at least one laughing about teenage, girly things. Even if we were mundanes, Maia and I wouldn't have been into something like this. But when you're holding in for so long, it's nice to release.

But I was exhausted. I wasn't really sure how I made it to one, maybe I didn't and I'd been dreaming the whole time. Either way, the sleep I fell into was deeper than Lake Lyn.

But it was ruined.

I started dreaming. It started out fairly normal. Until the dreams kept circling back to Jace. They got worse and worse until I was reliving that very night.

Most everything was the same. Girl falls head over heels in love with boy. Something causes boy to snap in half. Boy pushes girl off building. Except for one tiny detail…

The demons. Instead of pulsing bodies splitting the dance floors in half, causing the inevitable chaos, it was demons. Very recognizable, very vicious, very severe.

Demons caused it. Demons were the reason my life fell apart. Demons. Demons. _Demons._

It wasn't real, was it?

But when I woke up panting, sweating, and screaming, I knew that something very real, very dangerous, and much worse than I had ever imagined was in play.

"Clary!" Maia shouted, voice still dragged down with remnants of sleep. "Clary, what is it? What's wrong?"

My thoughts were going around a three thousand miles an hour and I couldn't focus on anything, much less Maia.

Actually, there was one thing I could focus on.

"I have to get to Jace."

 **I know this was pretty short but I wanted to get it out relatively fast and let you know I've decided to rename this fic! From now on, 'Relearn Loved' will be called 'Overcoming the Overwhelming.' It's long but flows nicely. 'Till next time!**

 **-MajorArcana2**


	10. Memories Keep

I couldn't really process anything except the one thing I'd never hoped I'd have to think about again. Jace. My legs were moving and it was not of my own accord, like I'd been possessed.

 _Yeah, possessed by J—_

Nope. I was not going there. Not today, Satan.

I charged into Jace's room, but he wasn't there. Lucky for me, seeing as Jace would most likely be shirtless and/or hooking up with another girl. His room was a. Mess.

This shocked me more than it should because when you looked at Jace, this was about what would come to mind when you pictured the place where he spends most his nights. But unfortunately, I knew Jace.

Ever since I met him, he'd been the most neat, clean, organized person I'd ever known. Seriously. Not a spot out of place. And now…?

I guess things change.

I guess I knew that.

I turned to his bed and grabbed the first thing I found – which happened to be a pair of underwear. With a small shriek I flicked the fabric away, then realized they weren't his, they were ladies'. Even more gross.

More carefully this time, I reached for his shirt. I was just about to apply the Tracking Rune when I froze. This too, did not belong to Jace. But it was not that of another lover, at least not a sexual partner. This shirt…this was mine.

' _Omigosh!" I yelped. Jace jumped in the driver's seat, nearly swerving off the road._

" _Geez, Red," Jace grumbled playfully, running his hands through his hair. "A little warning…"_

 _"Sorry," I giggled, then reached forward to turn up the music. "This song is so great!"_

" _You knew it would be," He pointed out. "You love the band."_

" _Well, they are amazing. Want to—,"_

" _Hear your top three list of their songs?" Jace finished for me. I had done this about six times in the course of a month. "I know if by heart, but go for it."_

 _I didn't need to be told twice. I was such a music geek. Well—technically all arts in general. Mostly art such as painting and sketching and photography, but I was also very able to recognize quality music when I heard it. "Okay, so, first is 'Superheroes,' obviously. Such a touching piece. Then comes…I think it'll be this new one, 'Rain.' I'm really feeling it. And then there'll be 'Hall of Fame,' which will never be taken out of my Hall of Fame," I babbled._

" _Ooh, a change in 'The List?' This song must be seriously impressive," Jace snickered._

 _I punched him in the arm, though it didn't even close to hurt. "It is. Have you been listening? 'It's such a sha-a-a-a-a-me, we messed it up, you and me! 'Cause baby when you're gone all it does is rain!'" I quoted the song gleefully, but when I looked at Jace, he wasn't laughing._

 _He was smiling. But it was meaningful. "What?" I asked him, blushing, and feeling like I had to cover something up._

 _His smile widened and he turned back to face the road, fingers drumming on the steering wheel. "You're a beautiful singer," he nearly whispered._

 _I blushed even deeper. I pressed my lips together to keep from smiling like an idiot. "So, where are we going anyway?" I asked him, desperate for a subject change so I didn't start fan-girl-ing out._

" _You really haven't guessed yet?" He sneered. Then Jace motioned haphazardly towards the speakers. "This isn't the radio, it's an entire playlist of just The Script."_

" _And that is somehow supposed to help me to understand the destination of this mystery date?"_

 _"Well, yes!" Jace laughed, seeming slightly, laughably flustered. I laughed with him. We were happy. "Okay, well, maybe this will clear things up a bit."_

 _Jace handed me a tiny package, just a bit shorter than a T.V. remote. I eyed him curiously. "Open it, Clary!" He demanded, anticipating my reaction to whatever was in the box._

 _I opened it and nearly fell out of my seat, even though I was wearing a seatbelt. Inside were tickets. Tickets to a concert._

 _ **August 4**_ _ **th**_ _ **, 2015 Fenway Stadium**_

 _ **The Script**_

 _ **8:45 pm Field Box 21**_

" _You are mother-freaking kidding me," I was scary-calm. "Please, please, please, Jace, cut it out."_

" _Clary, we've been driving for hours, where else would we be going? I'm not lying to you. I'm just the best boyfriend ever, ever, ever."_

 _I couldn't agree more. I yelped, squealing ecstatically and Jace pulled the par into a parking space so I could hug him easier, and then we were kissing furiously, and I was still laughing._

 _I had the best night of my life. I sang along to every song and I would swear to it, even months later when Jace told me I'd imagined it, I'd seen Danny O'Donoghue wink right at me. I'd never loved Jace more._

 _After the concert, Jace disappeared for a few minutes and returned with a shirt. It was gorgeous. The words "The Script" and "Freedom Child" were written and something that resembled glow-up letters. And on the back, Jace managed to point out as he swirled it around, a few lyrics of "Rain" were written and the word "Red," like it was a soccer jersey._

 _It was four sizes too big. Like, big on Jace, big. But it was extremely comfortable and I loved it. I'd worn that shirt at least every week after. My prized possession from my prized night with my prized guy._

But that night, it had somehow ended up with him, and it seemed he'd kept it all along. I was filled up with fury. This was mine. Not his.

I stuck the shirt haphazardly in the belt of my jeans, and then I picked up a shirt that I was _sure_ was his, and closed my eyes to concentrate.

He was mother freaking kidding me.

Jace was on the roof.

 **0.o.O.o.0**

My whole body shook as I climbed each flight of stairs to the roof, one hand clutching the railing with a deadly grip, the other poking holes in Jace's shirt with my nails. Finally, I reached the top, and I felt like I was going to puke.

I pushed open the door. Wind rushed forward and smacked me in the face. My tremors increased six fold because of the cold. Jace was standing at the edge of the roof, looking out.

He turned around when the door opened. His eyes widened when he saw me. I know. I'm shocked too.

"Clary?" He asked. He strode toward me in large steps. Jace moved to put his arms on my shoulders, but I stepped away. But this time, it was for a completely different reason. Jace looked down, and his eyes caught on his shirt. "Did you… _track_ me?" He demanded, snatching the shirt from my grasp.

"Yes," I told him, my voice weak. "I need to talk to you Jace."

"Okay. About what?"

I fell silent for a moment, gritting my teeth and finding it difficult to look him in the eye. "That night."

Jace stiffened and his eyes clouded over. "Why in hell would you want to talk about that?" It was like he was suddenly mad at me.

"Because you lied." He knew. Jace knew what I knew. What I had found out.

"Fine," Jace growled, grinding his jaws together. "But not now." With that, he stalked away, hands shoved in his pockets.

"Wha-?" I shrieked. "Yes, now, Jace! Don't you understand? You did this to me! I have a right to know what really happened."

I charged forward and the door slammed shut behind me. It was this noise that caused Jace to whirl around, looking panicked.

"Oh, no," He mumbled. Jace ran his fingers through his hair, ran forward, and tried the door. It didn't open. "This door…it locks when it shuts, I…."

"I'm stuck up here," I finished for him. "With you."


	11. Memories Cry

"Calm down," Jace said immediately. "Please don't kill me."

I threw my hands up in the air. "I wasn't going to, Jace, I'm not you!"

"Was that really necessary?" He winced.

"Absolutely!"

Jace was silent. "What do you want to know?"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Did I really want to know? It seemed like knowing would only make the situation worse. But could I really go on thinking I'd been thrown off a building for nothing.

"There were demons there, weren't there?" I asked him.

Jace furrowed his eyebrows. "How'd you know?"

"I started having flashes of memory. Then I dreamt about it. That's why I showed up at two a.m.," I said.

Jace nodded. "Yeah. It was demons. They came bursting through the doors and just started killing people. It was horrible. I had to get you out."

Those last words pinched at my heart. _Yeah, you cared about me enough to get me away from the demons, only so you could be the one to nearly kill me?_ But I didn't say that. Instead, I said, "Why?"

After a few moments of tense silence, Jace simply shook his head. He wasn't going to tell me.

"No. No, Jace. You can't just say no," I was about to start blowing up at him. "I want the whole story."

More silence. The only sound was the wind rushing in and out and between the skyscrapers around us. "Fine. But be prepared. It's rough, Clary."

 **0.o.O.o.0**

 **Jace P.O.V.**

 _I could not let him have her._

 _My adopted father was a tyrant. He was a bully. He was a villain. I would do anything to get away from him. But because of Clary, I couldn't. I had to stay with her, because if he didn't have me, he'd want her. So I stayed._

 _Every few nights, I'd take a beating. But it was nothing because there was always_ iratzes _and if I had Clary it didn't matter. I grew strong. But…as much as I hated it, Clary wasn't. I'd do anything to get away from my "father," but I'd do everything for her._

 _I had the feeling something would go wrong as soon as I asked Clary to the party. But I couldn't back out now. When the hideous demons came crashing through the doors, though, I wished I had. I had been on the other side of the house, and I wasn't exactly sure how, but I was by Clary's side in seconds. I took her hand and, thankfully, she let me pull her up, up, up…_

 _As soon as the door slammed behind me, I knew there was no choice. I had to do it. But still, I ran my hands through my hair trying to find another choice as if there is one._

" _What's happening?"_

 _It took me a few moments of contemplation, but eventually I just shook my head._

 _I took her hand and pulled her somewhat reluctantly toward the edge. Clary tensed and took a step back. That's when I knew there was no way to do this but the hard way._

" _Come on," I coaxed her, still trying to avoid the unavoidable. "You have to jump, Clary."_

" _No," She said, frantically shaking her head. "No, I don't want to. I'm scared."_

" _You'll be fine."_

" _But what about you?" The switch flipped. There was no going back now. I hated what I was about to do I almost cried. I almost jumped with her._

" _If you survive the fall, fantastic," I said, nearly cringing as I said it. But I couldn't. I trained my face into solitude, but I could tell Clary knew me enough to tell how my voice was shaking and how the façade was plainly visible. "If not, sucks for you."_

" _What?" Her voice came out weak, though I could tell how hard she was trying to keep it strong._

 _I took a deep breath. "I don't care if you live or die, Clary. Nobody does. In fact, most people have just wanted you to "disappear" the moment you were born. Nobody cares about you, Clary. Not even me. I do not care about you. Now jump," The words came out like they were venomous. I couldn't_ believe _I'd just done that._

 _I pushed her. It wasn't even that bad. Just a little. But it was enough. With a petrified yelp, Clary's legs shot upward and over the ledge. And then she fell._

 _I guess she never heard it. The shock wouldn't have let her. But the way I yelled her name was more utterly painful then the sound of her tiny body hitting the ground. She looked so…dead._

 _I slumped to the ground and leaned against the ledge. I cried for at least two hours._

 **0.o.O.o.0**

 **Clary P.O.V.**

I don't think Jace knew, but when Jace had finished with his story, he was crying. He wasn't sobbing, but a few pained tears had escaped him. He didn't bother to brush them away.

I didn't want to ask it. But… "And…what about the note?"

Jace scrunched up his face, finally wiping away his tears. "What? What note?"

I laughed, but it was humorless. "Don't play dumb, Jace. The note. What was it for, extra reassurance to make sure I never wanted to see you again? Because it worked."

"What do you mean, I-," Jae cut himself off. "W-what did it say, Clary? What did the note say?" Jace was suddenly panicked.

"Oh, just literally a list of every single thing you hated about me," I snapped.

"What? Okay, one: I do not hate anything about you, ever. _Ev-er_. And two? I have no godly idea what you're talking about."

I'll admit it. I kind of wanted to smile. Okay. I really, really wanted to smile. What can I say? Jace could be sweet and charming when he wanted to be.

"What does that mean?"

"It means I think my father did this."

I was confused. "Did what?"

"Everything. I think the demons were under his control and I think he took your father."

 **Okay, okay, I know this was pretty short. But I left you on a pretty bad cliffhanger so I decided to get this out to you sooner. Hope you enjoyed!**


	12. Memories Tell

I didn't want to believe Jace.

I didn't want to learn that I'd been lied to over and over again in my pathetic excuse for a life. That once again, I'd been tricked. But there was still the matter that Jace had done the first few things.

"Even if that's true," I kept my voice steady so as not to let him hear how shocked I was. "Why did you push me in the first place?"

Jace closed his eyes and didn't open them as he responded. "I was trying to protect you. The-,"

He didn't finish. "Bull," I snapped. Like I'd fall for that. _Again_.

"Let me finish," he snapped right back. "I knew the demons were there and I knew you couldn't see them. The exits were blocked and there was no getting out. I knew Valentine was dangerous and hunting his daughter but I had no idea…not until detention that one day. So I hated myself for it, but I brought you to the roof. Because it was the _only way_."

I rolled my eyes, but when he didn't say more, I questioned him further. "So why not tell the truth? Why not just push me? Why all the hate?"

"One, you would not have believed me. Not if I didn't have the time to explain it properly. Two, I had to say those things to keep you away from me. Valentine tracked you to _my_ house. I knew instantly that he would track me for ages after that. Even if I didn't know you were Valentine's daughter, I wanted to keep you away from me. All I could give you was danger. I'll admit I may have taken it too far."

"Too _far_?" Appalled, I dared a step toward him. "You could have stopped with just the words. I probably would have thrown myself off the roof, in a less harmful way. You could have stopped with the pushing, but you wrote a letter-,"

Jace bared his teeth and growled, "I did _not_ do that."

"I don't care!" The sun was starting to come up and we would be found soon, so I didn't bother to keep my voice low. "You could have stopped with that. Instead, you came back. I was so close, Jace. So close to being okay. So close to finally forgetting the things I felt before that night. And then you decided to just—show up! And you _could_ have even _tried_ to keep your distance, to give me space. If any of what you're saying is true, you would have actually cared about me-,"

"I didn't stay away because I couldn't! I _could not_ stay away from you," Jace was panting, his eyes flashed. But once the words were out of his mouth, he broke eye contact and lurched backward a few steps, as if repulsed by his own speech. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…to say it…that way…"

"How did you mean to say it," Not a question, but a command. By fingers were so tightly clenched I might have punctured my skin, but I savored the pain. Anything was good, as opposed to the tightness of betrayal, of crime, of shock.

"You'll want to sit down for this."

 **0.o.O.o.0**

 **Jace P.O.V.**

To tell the truth, I didn't really want to tell her at all. It would only cause her severe pain; the kind he couldn't watch her experience. But he knew, deep down, he'd have to tell her someday. He just hadn't thought it would come so soon.

"I fell in love with you immediately. How old were we? Nine? Well I watched you for a few days. I watched the bullies as they teased you, constantly biting down on my own unfounded rage. I watched you bite them right back. Even when you left with bruises, you made sure at least one of those stupid hellions left with one of their own.

"I don't exactly remember why I was so renowned, but I was thankful for it when it made them stop hurting you. And you went through so many different boys and I felt sorry for them because I knew they couldn't handle you and your fire. At least, I felt sorry for them until they broke your heart. Sometimes, you didn't even realize. But every lost one took a chunk out of your precious heart, even if you had broken up with them.

"So one day I just snapped because I wanted you for myself, so _badly._ I was so positive I wouldn't hurt you, that I wouldn't let anyone hurt you. I was a Shadowhunter, I could fight off any threat. But I never considered that threat would be just as talented and twice as brutal as I was, with just as much of a desire for you.

"That party was such a bad idea. I knew it would draw so much bad attention. But I didn't want to go without you. By that time, I had gotten so caught up in you that I didn't want to go anywhere alone. I was so scared of leaving you behind. I was gonna tell you that night, how much I loved you. I would do it near the end of the night, when I knew nothing would happen.

"I thought we were in the clear around 11:45, and I was heading in your direction when everything went to hell. I knew at that moment I would never be able to love you again. I'd have to stop feeling that way for you. That's part of the reason I said all of those horrible things, after I realized you were too damn stubborn to go easily. I figured if I hated myself enough, I would believe I didn't deserve you. I didn't deserve your love. I don't.

"The unimaginable horror when I saw you fall…I couldn't even catch my breath. I double checked to make sure you were passed out beforehand, but I _did_ make sure none of your injuries were fatal. I was the one who called Magnus to make sure you were fully informed of everything that went on that night. Somehow, he knew about the rest. I knew it would never make up for the horrible things that I did, but I thought it might help to ward off the nightmares."

It hadn't, though I doubted it many any difference to her. I felt as if I hadn't slept in years.

Clary stayed silent, and I hovered, eyes glued to the ground, anxiously awaiting her answer. Minutes passed, and when I finally looked up (to ensure she was still there and still breathing) she opened her mouth to speak. Something in her eyes made my heartbeat speed up immediately.

But she never got the chance to answer me. Seconds later, the door to the roof slammed open and the two of us were no longer trapped together.


	13. Memories Maybe

"Clary!" Maia's voice came rushing to my ears, but I didn't tear my eyes from where Jace stood, closer to her than he seemed to have realized, with his face to the ground. "Thank God! Are you okay?"

"Fine," I murmured, finally meeting Maia's concerned gaze. "I just had a…panic attack."

Right. Panic. Like that covered it.

Maia stepped up to me and began running her fingers over my arms and neck. "And blondie here was the one who could comfort you? Really?"

Her words were quiet enough for Jace to not catch them, had he not been listening intently to every word that passed between the two of us. "It's complicated," was my only answer.

Maia then began to drag me toward the stairwell while whispering that she had something incredulously urgent to tell me but I turned back to Jace and asked him, "Are you coming?"

Jace snapped to attention like he hadn't been expecting me to speak to him then—almost like he hadn't been expecting me to speak to him ever again. But he croaked out, "Not yet."

I nodded and let Maia pull me a little farther down the stairs. There was a block of cement that I hadn't seen when I charged in here earlier in the morning, but I now replaced between the wall and the door so Jace wouldn't end up stranded again. It was only then that I noticed the shirt still hanging from my belt when it caught on the railing.

I stepped back toward Jace, who looked toward me, confused. "You can keep this, I guess," It partially broke my heart when I tossed the balled up _Script_ shirt at him, but he caught it, so at least it wouldn't be dirtied.

"Why? It's yours," he asked.

"A lot of things were once mine," I said with a tight-lipped smile. "and are now yours."

Jace's eyes narrowed before I let the door fall shut.

 **0.o.O.o.0**

"Okay," I conceded to Maia once she shut the two of us back in my room. "What did you need to tell me so badly?"

"Forget that," Maia answered so quickly I half-sat, half-fell onto my short bed. "What the hell did you mean by what you said to Jace?"

"I don't know," I answered. I did, but refused to acknowledge that fact to anyone, even myself. "Why do you ask?"

"Because something horrible happened to you, and he was responsible for that! I won't have you falling back into toxic relationships!"

I narrowed my eyes at her. "I appreciate your concern, Maia, but my 'toxic' relationships are none of your concern. I'm a big girl, I _can_ handle myself, and even if I could not, some things have recently come into light that I was not previously aware of. But one thing is clear: this changes everything. So I'll forgive you to, with all due respect, _butt out._ "

Maia cracked a smile, and didn't pursue the topic further. When I pushed for information on what _she_ so desperately needed to tell _me,_ Maia blushed furiously and averted her gaze.

"Come on. You felt quite entitled to my business, I'd say the same is true inverted," I pushed her.

Finally, Maia conceded. "Well, now it seems a bit hypocritical, but…I went looking for you when you ran out of the room at two a.m., and instead ran into Jordan. Long story short, Jordan kissed me, and I kissed him back. I think things are going to be okay between us. Even…maybe…better than they were before."

I was silent at first. Eyes wide, lips parted. And then, "A little hypocritical?"

Maia burst out laughing.

 **0.o.O.o.0**

I supposed I was happy for Maia. We'd been heading out the door for an early lunch when Jordan had come waltzing out of his room. Maia had instantly blushed, Jordan locking his eyes with hers and sending a small, shy grin her way. I had rolled my eyes and dragged her along.

But now, I was sitting alone in a booth at Taki's because Maia had gotten a text from Jordan and immediately rushed away. And I was left to my own stupid thoughts.

What Jace had told me earlier…

Ever since that night, I realized, I'd been putting off making a decision. Whether to forget Jace, or remember him. Whether to believe him, or not. And now…

I could forgive Jace. I could move past what he'd done and let myself fall back into his arms, my rightful place. Maybe nothing bad would ever happen again, not with him. Maybe I could trust that he wouldn't feel the need to degrade me for my 'safety' ever again. Maybe.

But I could also decide to move on, _without_ Jace. He was right, he attracted danger. My life would be more peaceful without him. It would be calmer, without all of that chaos.

It was a big decision and I didn't even want to make it. But for the love of peace, I knew what I'd have to do.

 **Short chapter, I know. I just figured, because I love you, that I would leave you on a massive cliffhanger. You're welcome!**


	14. Memories Laugh

**Jace P.O.V.**

"Choose me."

I woke from a dream, startled. The words had been on my own lips, as I hung from a cliff with one arm, the other useless and dangling at my side. Before me, on solid ground, there was an overwhelming range of fire. Unstoppable, eating everything at its path. But it had a heart, I knew because I could feel it's beating resounding in my own chest. It was wild and vengeful, yet steady. I knew the fire had made some kind of decision, but couldn't decide what it was.

It didn't seem good. I didn't know what choices the fire had been forced to look between, and somehow, I found myself muttering, "Choose me."

I wondered what I had meant by that, as I set up in bed. As if the fire had chosen between me and something else. Or the lack thereof. And I would be left falling to my death because I just couldn't hold on any longer. I dragged a hand over my face and tried not to think of the deadly accuracy, the way book characters do, avoiding reality, in a way that makes you want to grab them by the shirt collar and shake them.

Anyway, my dream was ridiculous. Fire didn't have a heart.

"Jace!" It was Clary, nearly breaking down the door with her knocking. I squinted and the light streaming through my window. I wondered how late I'd slept, which was unusual, considering I normally woke at hellish hours of the day. But hell, nothing in my life was exactly _normal,_ per say, so why would my sleep schedule be?

"Get the hell up! I found a lead on my mother!"

"Coming," I groaned, waving a dismissive hand—which she couldn't see—at the door. I shook my head and took a few more seconds to place my head in my hands and wipe the already fading dream from my mind before I sprang up to start the day.

No, fire didn't have a heart. But knew a heart that had plenty of fire.

 **Clary P.O.V.**

"Well, you see, it started when Alec called me 'Biscuit'."

I was in the middle of explaining how I had discovered my mother's location to Jace as we walked down the hall toward the library.

Jace smirked. "When a story starts like that, it can only end with 'and then I killed him.'" He chuckled at his own joke, teeth flashing.

I held in a smile but hesitated, making a face. "I didn't _kill_ him…"

Jace's face fell and he stumbled over his feet, turning to face me. I dragged him along by the elbow and Jace continued gawking at me. "I was _kidding!_ "

"He's fine, I'll just have to pull him back out," I chuckled.

"You'll have to do _what?_ "

"Calm down, you buffoon," and I pulled him to a stop where Isabelle was glaring with rage—and a hint of amusement—at one certain painting on the walls.

"Magnus is on his way," she growled without looking away from the painting.

"I still don't understand," Jace babbled.

I only laughed in response, even managing to crack a smile from Izzy. I noticed one pointed, shocked glare from Jace in my direction, feeling the absolute awe and wonder in his gaze. But when he finally looked back to the painting, all of it disappeared again.

There, surrounded by crushed plants and absolutely drenched in water, was a seething Alec. He wasn't moving, but there was so much untamed hate in his eyes that I couldn't help but laugh again.

Jace's mouth gaped open. "What."

That was it. I burst out laughing, shortly followed by Izzy, and even earning a confused but toothy smile from Jace. It took me a few moments to collect myself, and even then I was still sniggering. Then I began to explain the whole story.

"I was on my way back to my room with chocolate chip waffles that I _made_ , when Alec comes up and just _takes_ one! Straight off my plate. And then he says, 'Thanks, Biscuit,' like Magnus does. And I let Magnus do it because he practically raised me. Anyway, I made a face because I would take almost anything over biscuit. Apparently he recognizes this so he starts calling me anything else. Cinnamon, Apple Pie, Hot Pepper, you get the deal. I pushed him, and he just—went into the painting."

I hadn't really known I could do that. The first time had been not long after the roof incident when I had gotten frustrated in my lessons with Magnus and had pushed my Seraph blade straight into the training mat he'd installed in his apartment.

"I only have one question," Jace mumbled under his breath. "Where the hell did you find ingredients for chocolate chip waffles?"

It's like I just couldn't stop smiling. But Magnus walked in soon after that an answered him, "She sent me a fire message to portal them to her. I'll have to start charging you, biscuit."

"Careful," Izzy warned, and I rolled my eyes.

"I told you, it's only fine when he does it," I joked.

"What about me?" Jace asked innocently, waggling his eyebrows sarcastically.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You do realize you're literally leaning against a painting of seven naked, fat men sitting around a table covered in vegetables? And I have the power to put you there and never let me out?"

"Jace had the decency to look scared and stand a few feet farther away, but he added, "Now that's one way to take care of Valentine, idn't it?"

"Enough flirting," Izzy cut in, and both Jace and I pointedly ignored her word choice. "My brother's stuck in a painting and he fell into Idris' poisonous waters, so let's…get him out?"

"How?" Magnus asked. "I figured out that this is a gift rarely given to Shadowhunters with heavy talent for artistry, and you certainly fit the card."

"I'm pretty sure I can just…grab him out," I supplied.

"How sure?" Now Izzy looked just a tad panicked.

"Very. Iz, I _can_ get him out. I just need to concentrate."

"Well start concentrating," Jace said. "Because he won't be able to stand much more of the lake's waters running through his veins."

I nodded and stepped toward the painting, trying not to look the frozen Alec in the eye so I wouldn't laugh too much and distract myself. The first time I touched the painting, I just…touched it. Nothing went through. Izzy let out an extremely soft whimper behind me. All I did was hold up one finger: _hold on._

Then I reached inside the painting, grabbed Alec by the collar, and yanked him out.

Alec's yowling was impressive as he crashed to the floor, especially from someone who'd been suffering from poisoned water inhalation for the past half hour.

"Excuse _you,_ " he choked, on hands and knees on the floor. "That…was rude."

"You look absolutely fine for having choked on gallons of Lake Lyn," Magnus echoed my thoughts as he helped Alec cough up the said lake water.

"I suppose if he was frozen, his bodily functions could've been too," I suggested.

"They were," Alec said. "How long exactly did you leave me in there? It felt like only a second to me."

No one spoke. "No—yeah, it was just a second for us too," I stumbled, coughing a bit to try and cover the smile rising on my lips.

Alec clamped his lips together and glared. It was perhaps two full minutes before Magnus—Angel bless him—broke the silence.

"I brought more waffle ingredients, if anyone's interested…"

Izzy immediately piped up, her smile brightening. "Yes! I'll make them."

She was met with a chorus of staggered yet urgent "no's" and instantly frowned.

"My treat," I hurriedly cut in. "We can talk about how this help's my mother over breakfast."

"It's almost twelve," came Alec's stubborn response.

I answered without paying any attention to Alec or even glancing at him. "Then we'll make it brunch."

. . .

Izzy ran ahead to try to get to the kitchen first so she could make the waffles; honestly, the girl was just like her brother. Alec chased her, shouting "No!" down the echoing halls of the Institute, and Magnus simply portaled himself to kitchen.

That's how Jace and I found ourselves alone together, braced against a wall laughing.

It had been a while since I'd been this way with anyone, especially the Lightwoods. Laughing so hard it hurt in my stomach and the corners of my mouth. I couldn't tell exactly when the change had snapped into place, but some part of me was glad. There was still lingering doubt about Jace's actions, and his motives, and the way he accomplished things, but I suspected they might always be here.

But not now. Now I could just let everything fly away until we were two normal teenagers nearly dying of laughter. The life I always wanted and believed I should've had.

I was starting to see that last part was nowhere near true.

When Jace and I finally began walking again, he didn't take his eyes off me. I thought it would feel uncomfortable, the way he stared at me, but it was quite natural. So familiar.

"What?" I finally asked him.

Jace shook his head softly. "I forgot," he simply said.

"Forgot what?"

Another subtle shake of the head. He looked anywhere but my eyes for a few moments, until he finally looked me in the eye. There was no hint of lingering laughter there. Only seriousness. Security. Sincerity.

"How beautiful you look when you laugh."

 **There, a fun, happy chapter for you. Also just a hint? Could it be? Well, I'm a sucker for happy endings. But a writer should always try new things…**

 **Guess you'll have to wait and see.**


	15. Memories Bleed

When Jace and I finally made it to the kitchen through our fits of laughter, Izzy was pouting at the table while Magnus fixed plates of Taki's breakfast foods for anyone.

"Oh, come to join us, have you?" Izzy drawled. "Got carried away with your relentless flirting? Lost track of time?"

"Somebody's grumpy," I sneered, patting her on the shoulder before grabbing a slice of bacon from the container, ignoring Magnus' grunt of protest.

"I'm serious!" Izzy snapped as she waggled an accusing finger in my direction. It took tremendous effort not to burst out laughing again. "You two, always pretending you hate each other, even though Jace never stops looking at you and it's really obvious that you're always thinking about him. Well, I say please take it outside once in a while so the rest of us don't have sit here stewing in your shared love-hate."

Jace looked Izzy up and down. "This over food?" he asked.

Izzy scoffed, rolling her eyes and looking out the window.

"No," Alec answered for her. "Simon hasn't been answering his phone."

I turned back to Izzy, probably risking my life in asking her, "When did you start dating Simon? Or I suppose I wouldn't have noticed due to all the flirting _I've_ been doing."

Izzy ignored me. I guessed it was for the best.

The Institute Bell rang out through the massive structure. Magnus' eyebrows furrowed. "Weird," he said. "Someone's here."

"I'll check on it," I said, wanting to move, wanting to get Jace's words clear of my mind.

"No, I'll-," Jace began to protest, but I shot him a look, and he simply said, "Careful."

I nodded, heading out toward the entry hall. They weren't expecting anyone, and my blood momentarily chilled when I confronted the idea that it could be Valentine, standing at the door, ready to steal me and portal away, world by world. But I tamped those worries down, telling myself it was far too secret for Valentine's explosive tastes. My father was evil, and more than that, he liked to put on a show.

I finally reached the doors of the Institute, their handles cool in my fingers. The doors looked as if they would weigh thousands of pounds, but they opened easily under my pull. All my worries about Valentine came rushing back as a crumpled scream came shattering out of my throat.

. . .

There lay Simon, his body bloody on the front steps of the Institute. I could barely make out his face beyond the bruises and the cuts. His clothes were torn into shreds, even missing in places. He had one shoe on, though it was in bad shape. I was quite sure that three out of the five toes on his other foot were badly broken.

I clapped a hand over my mouth just as Magnus, Alec, Izzy, and Jace appeared out of thin air behind me. I sensed the magic of the portal but didn't comprehend it. Jace rushed immediately to me. His hands frantically grazed over my body, trying to meet my gaze.

"Are you alright? What happened? Talk to me. Where are you hurt?" he demanded.

"Jace," Alec said weakly, trying to get Jace to turn around a see Simon. Izzy lay beside him, checking for a pulse.

Jace ignored Alec and kept searching my body until I let out a tiny noise and pointed down, in the doorway, at Simon.

He finally turned, and barked a curse.

"He's alive," Izzy said, and I almost started sobbing. For some reason, I wasn't even crying. Maybe it was shock. "Let's get him to the infirmary."

"Magnus already left," Alec said, pointing back into the halls of the Institute. "He went to get help. We're just going to have to carry him."

"What about a portal rune?" I asked. Why hadn't they thought of this?

Jace looked over at me with a look in his eyes like I was a five-year-old who had just asked if the moon was green. "That doesn't exist, Clary. Only warlocks can make portals."

What were they talking about? "Don't talk to me like I'm a child, Jace, I know what I'm doing," with that, I whirled on my heel and pulled out my stele, drawing the familiar rune on the wall.

When the portal opened, seconds later, I stood back with my arms crossed over my chest and motioned for them to get Simon through it. He most likely didn't have much time. But they were all gaping at me, then at the rune that still shone brightly above the portal.

"Clary…that rune…" Alec trailed off.

"It doesn't exist," Jace repeated.

"What are you talking about? I just proved that it does!"

"He means," Izzy interrupted me. "That it's not in the Gray Book."

Silence. Then I said feebly, "It's not?"

Three heads shook in response.

. . .

The four of us loaded Simon through the portal and onto a bed. Magnus emerged moments later, trailed by Raphael.

"Where's Izzy?" Magnus asked Alec.

"Went to get herbs to make a healing potion."

"Nonsense," Raphael cut in.

"Why are you even here?" Jace asked, his eyebrows narrowed.

Magnus furrowed his brows in return, and asked quietly, "Didn't you see?"

This was not good. Very, _very,_ not good. "Didn't we see what." Not a question, but a demand. I barely recognized my own voice, but I liked it. For a split second, I allowed myself to remark on how strong I sounded. My voice hadn't been that unwavering in a long time. Perhaps becoming a Shadowhunter was not the worst thing in my life.

Wordlessly, Magnus stepped forward, dragged down the collar of Simon's ragged shirt, and revealed two, deep, circular, identical puncture marks.

Raphael said the word before any of us could, but it was free of the fear that mine would have been laced with.

"Vampire."

. . .

"Let me get this straight," I said through impressively gritted teeth.

Raphael had been explaining the Simon's options for the past hour. Currently, Simon was unconscious on a bed in the infirmary. His cuts had been cleaned and any broken bones splinted. He was in bad shape.

"He could either be buried, and would therefore come back alive—well not…alive. But, as a vampire?" Raphael nodded in confirmation of my words.

"Or-," I choked on the sentence, and Jace reached around to put a hand on my back. I shrugged him off venomously. "Or I can let him die?"

Raphael nodded again, though more hesitantly. Like he cared.

"And _I_ have to make this decision?" My voice, unfortunately, broke on the last word.

Nodding heads.

And unwanted opinions.

"Clary, he won't even be human anymore. He'll be a kind of monster." –Izzy.

"I take offense to that." –Raphael.

"Me, too, by association." –Magnus

"Clary, you have to bring him back. It could help us find Valentine. Which will help us find Jocelyn and Luke. Don't you want that?" –Alec.

I cut a glance toward Jace, who remained silent. "Nothing from you?" I questioned.

He shook his head. "I'll be here for you; whatever choice you make." I scoffed at him.

"What is this buffoonery?" –Magnus.

"C-could you just—maybe—repeat that? Please." –Alec.

"I don't believe it. No unwanted opinion to contribute? No stupid plan to formulate? Someone get the pope, for the devil has taken over his body!" –Izzy.

"The pope? Really? That's your go-to?" –Magnus again.

And again, Jace stood by, silently watching. When I looked at him, he shrugged and gestured at me, as if saying, _it's all you._

I bit my lip, staring at the bloodstain on the floor. Simon's blood. Depending on my decision, someday, that kind of thing might even be appetizing to him.

I shuddered.

"Come on," I said, heading in the direction of the infirmary where Simon was slowly dying.

"Where?" Jace called, a spike of interest in his tone. I suppose he did care.

I waited for him to catch up with me before I replied, "To the graveyard."

A quick intake of breath. My heart speeding up. "Why," Jace asked, barely perceptible.

"Because it's exactly what Valentine expects me not to do."


End file.
